Counting Down to Crazy

This month has been interesting as far as cycling. I did not have very obvious signs and symptoms like last month, but then, my metformin dosing has been all over the place as I struggle to get back up to my full prescription. Maybe that messed things up. At any rate, I noticed the tell-tale reddish-brown tinged CM yesterday, so AF is on her way (however slowly). I expect I'll be able to call the RE's office in early March to start my first IUI cycle. Here we go again, huh?

Fortunately there should be plenty of projects to keep me busy and distracted (and hopefully sane) this spring. I'm finalizing my initial gardening plans and pricing supplies for when M and I go shopping. I have thought long and hard about placement for my garden bed and the compost beds, so that I won't have to move things around in the years to come (hopefully). I am reading and absorbing all the information I can find on sustainable landscaping with native plants. This is my goal for many reasons and they are not all about social concerns and such. Mostly its because I have no faith in my ability to grow fussy little plants and flowers that need to be tended to like a mewling infant to survive in this climate. Also because I am very VERY lazy and cannot be trusted to remember to water houseplants, let alone a great big yard and flower beds. I would like to exert my daily garden efforts on my veggie garden since that will result in food which is a good return for the work.

I think a sustainable, native landscape is a great match for M and I because we are not formal or particular about things. We will be perfectly happy with a yard full of blowsy swaths of this and that, spilling over their beds or growing wherever. This doesn't mean I want my yard to look like chaos; afterall, I am spending a LOT of time planning things out so we can establish a cohesive whole over several years of planting bit by bit. But I don't need or want a formal English garden by any means. Besides, a nice, naturalistic backyard won't show abuse from a dog as much. Oh yes, I am getting a dog this spring.

That's another thing I am researching and planning for well in advance. I grew up with dogs, so I know the effort required to care for them. We have a cat, but cats are more like teenagers in the level of care and involvement required from the parent. Dogs are more like toddlers, I think. And puppies even moreso. Which is why I think we will not be getting a puppy. M and I both work full time with a 35 minute commute. If I leave home at 7:30am and Matt doesn't get home until 4pm at the earliest, that's 8.5 hours the dog will be home alone. Puppies cannot be left that long (not without messy consequences anyway) and I don't want to end up with an ill-mannered dog simply because he isn't exercised as much as he needs. So we have to be careful about the age and energy level of the dog we adopt. There are a couple of rescue shelters in our area and many more if we are willing to drive to one of the greater metropolitan areas near us, so I'm sure will can find a dog that is a great fit. My dream is to adopt something with Hound in it, but I'm flexible.

There's one more little project I'm starting next week and I'm not sure how its going to turn out. ::deep breath:: I've decided to try a Couch to 5K program... I've seen a lot of people in our community, as well as personal friends on FaceBook, give it a try and it seems to be a good program to encourage the simplest form of exercise in people who have zero love for it. I bought some running shoes, downloaded an app on my iPhone, and until the sun starts rising earlier I'll be running on my lunch breaks at the indoor track by my office. My goal is to run in the morning before work and take my dog with me so we *both* get some exercise. If I don't exercise early, it pretty much does not happen because my hair gets messed up/ I have to shower again/ I'll stink for the rest of the day and on and on it goes. I don't have time for all that fussiness. Run in the morning - before my shower - problem solved. I have no clue what I will do when the weather turns cold again... Any suggestions?

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I'm deep into researching my next step in suburban homesteading: gardening and composting. Does a rotting pile of organic matter excite me? You'd better believe it!

The backyard of my house is *giant* by my standards, just over a half an acre in the backyard alone! never mind the sides and front yard. And right now it is very boring; mostly grass, a blank canvas. I never realized until I heard a woman on TV express this opinion: I like *green*, but not grass. That's exactly how I feel. I feel that grass is a complete waste of space and far too much work. I see the way my dad slaves over his yard in the warm months and how upsetting it is when a drought turns everything brown no matter what you do or a low area is a soggy, muddy bog. That's not for me. You want to know my favorite form of sunlight?

Dappled, coming through the branches and leaves of a tree. Beautiful. 

We have 3 trees in our backyard currently: one evergreen at the back of the lot and two apple trees, only one of which is salvageable. The other is hollowed out in the center from pests or disease. There are another two trees in our side yard and one in the front which is WAY too close to the house, fighting a fungus, and leaning precariously. So, there's a lot of work to be done.

I don't want to bite off more than I can chew (see earlier post about getting overwhelmed), so this year I am limiting my gardening/landscaping plans to one 4x4 raised garden bed, 3 raised compost beds, and removing the front yard tree (hopefully salvaging the wood for a farmhouse dining table).

Eventually, in the years to come, I want to shape my backyard into a low maintenance, sustainable green space for relaxing and gardening. I want little to no grass - currently researching other ground cover options. I want wildflowers and other native plants. Fortunately, I have the freedom to be more creative than someone living in a planned neighborhood. I live at the end of a dead-end road and my yard is only visible to my various neighbors' side and backyards. I don't have to worry about someone driving by and then complaining to the city that my front yard is nothing but a tangle of clover.

In other news, I bit the bullet and called my RE's office to schedule a game plan meeting. Thank you to those who offered advice on getting around the clomid crazies. I will definitely ask Dr. B about Femara - I know his office does use it for some patients. Still not sure when I will feel ready for a medicated cycle, but at least I will have all my ducks in a row for when the time comes. Eventually, I'm sure I'll get sick of spotting 3 weeks a month and the only way to end it is to do medicated cycles. Oh joy :-P

Anybody else a gardener, beginner or otherwise? I love plants, but I have a black thumb, so this spring is going to be...interesting...

Christmas Time is Here

I love Christmas. No, I mean I *LOVE*  Christmas! I'm one of those crazy people who listens to Christmas music starting in November. I wear reindeer antlers to work every day in December. I shrieked with glee when M and I finished putting up Christmas lights on our house for the first time. I have to resist buying tons of new Christmas decorations every year. I am probably an elf that was accidentally raised by humans, truth be told.

Last Christmas I was a little less enthusiastic, unfortunately. I was coming up on a year of TTC, My Great Uncle passed away in early December, and the day of the funeral I got a call from my GYN's office telling me I had failed to ovulate *again*. All that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the month.

This year I got smart - take a break over the holidays so infertility doesn't drag poor Santa and baby Jesus into its black hole of sadness and bitterness. So far, its working out really well. I'm hardly even flinching at baby related things anymore. I was a little worried that Christmas was going to become harder and harder to take every year because so much of the traditions and rituals revolve around children. Instead, I am working to find ways to make the holidays special for M and I no matter what our situation.

In my last post, I talked about focusing on the opportunities I *do* have instead of the ones I am being denied. M and I both have stable, good paying jobs and we have been smart with our finances. That means there's plenty of room in the budget for Christmas spending. The only kids I'm related to to spoil are my nephews, but that doesn't mean there aren't other opportunities to give a child a merry Christmas. The church I attend in my new hometown participates in a program where members "adopt" a child whose parent(s) is/are in prison. They are living with a legal guardian of some kind and money is often tight in those situations. I opted to adopt two kids because, what the hey, I don't have kids of my own to spoil so I might as well spoil these kids who've got it pretty rough. One of my kids asked for arts and crafts so I had a lot of fun going through the craft store picking out a bunch of activities, crayons, coloring paper, etc.

I've also stepped up my charitable efforts in other ways. I try not to pass a Salvation Army bell ringer without donating at least a few coins, so this year I'm trying to put at least a dollar in the bucket every time I pass one. My sister is still adjusting to life with my new nephew, so she hasn't had time (or the energy, really) to get any Christmas baking done. My poor mother works insane hours at the hospital, so she also has little time to spend in the kitchen. So this past weekend I was in the kitchen almost all day, everyday getting a head start on all the cookies and candies we make special for the holidays. M and I hosted all the family for Sunday dinner and we sent each household home with stacks of tins full of treats. I was very happy to be able to do that. Especially the fruitcake I made for my sister - if you think you hate fruitcake, its probably because you've never tried this fruitcake.

So, what traditions and rituals do you have that make this (or any!) holiday special for you? We may not have Elf on the Shelf or school Holiday pageants to fill our time, but there are SO MANY ways we can still make and share merriment! Never forget that! I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers as usual and hoping the end of 2012 brings you nothing but good things. I know there are several people (myself included) who are thinking about the next leg in our journeys to build a family and I am particularly praying for insight and peace with whatever decisions we make.
  

In All Things, Give Thanks

2012 has been a very challenging year for me. I would like to say it has been the most challenging of my life, but I don't think that's necessarily true. Infertility, financial worries, and M's 9 month long job hunt stole a lot of happiness from me, but at the end of the day, I always had M to hold me while I cried. That alone makes my life now 100 times better than my life before he and I got together.

My bible study class is having a very positive impact on the way I think about and contextualize my infertility. I have always thought of it as a *battle*. I am a *warrior* and this is a fight with a definite position of winning or losing. I was willing to fight tooth and nail for the future I thought I wanted, thought I had to have or else what would become of me?

Its hard to describe how my position has changed. Of course I want a family, of course I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant, to give birth, to breast feed my child. But you know, I also want to tour Europe, start a garden, fix up my house. And very much like wanting to travel and better myself with productive hobbies, my life can still be perfectly fulfilling if I want, but don't have, children. I was focused on the doors that were shutting in my face before and now I can see the doors that stand open now or even the ones that have the potential to open later.

Everyone talks about how having a family requires certain sacrifices and obviously most people are only to happy to make those sacrifices. But through no fault of my own, I may not be required to make such sacrifices. Which may leave me in a unique position to be able to do any number of things that would be too complicated if I had kids to consider. I might be called upon to help out friends or family in a way that only someone without children could - and won't those people be so grateful that I could be there for them? We could spend more money on charitable pursuits and have enough savings to be of help to my nephews or my brother if need be. I could have enough time to start a little suburban homestead with my new, huge backyard full of garden beds.

I refuse to let my infertility be a defining feature of my life and self-image. There is plenty of lemonade to be made from these lemons (oh how cliche...). I was even thinking the other day that by the end of 2013, I will know if bio children are out of the question and I could go back to grad school. I always wanted to be a marriage and family counselor (fun fact: I have completed one year of two different grad programs) and my journey has led me to focusing on marriage counseling for couples dealing with infertility. I never would have considered that before going through all of this, but it makes perfect sense now. I've always felt that people who have gone through a particular trauma are uniquely qualified to counsel for that problem. For example, I could never counsel for addiction because I have never dealt with that personally, so who the hell am I to tell someone "you are stronger than this, you need to take responsibility for this" etc.? If I were in therapy, I would respect the words of my therapist more if I knew they had been where I am. Does that make sense?

Anyway, this was my very long winded way of saying that, despite the darkness of this year, I came to Thanksgiving truly thankful for *everything*, including my struggle with infertility. I think that is some serious progress.

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and weren't too harassed by family drama or any conversational landmines care of your infertility experiences. I know the holidays can be a particularly complicated time of year for our community. I am praying for each and every one of you - for strength, for patience, for healing, for rainbows at the end of the rain clouds. It may sound hopelessly optimistic, but I know whatever the end of your journey looks like, there *will* be goodness to find in it.

Oh, and I almost forgot! I started reading a new book after I happened to pick it up while browsing at the book store: What Alice Forgot. I was already in love with the story before I figured out there was an infertility sub-plot. It is *very* well written and I would describe the plot so far as a cross between The Vow and 13 going on 30. If you are looking for a good book to distract from your current cycle or the craziness of the holiday season, I *highly* recommend it.

*tap tap* Is this thing on?

Well hello there!

So....what's new?

Actually I *know* what's new with all of you because I have been reading your blogs which are regularly updated because you guys don't suck. I suck because I've been out of it for almost a month Cross my heart, I have been reading, thinking, and praying about all of you! Sometimes I want to leave a comment, but no sufficient words come to me. That is an awful feeling for me, I am *never* at a loss for words.

I won't lie though, having big things other than infertility to occupy my time and mental energy has been just a huge HUGE relief. I didn't even make a face OR inwardly scream when I found out the pregnant girl in my bible study group is carrying multiples. I actually felt bad for her that she is having a high risk pregnancy and committed to praying extra for her.

The house is big and wonderful and ever so slowly coming together and becoming ours. There are dozens of projects I would love to do over the course of our ownership, and hey - if we don't have children I would probably have the time to actually get most of them done. My baby nephew is my new favorite human being. I took a week off work to spend with my sister and my nephews and it was *awesome*. Hours and hours of holding my baby Bradley bear and marveling at how smart and creative Alex is (Alex being the older brother who is 8, almost 9). I am seriously the luckiest aunt in the world.

Taking a break has so far been great for me. I have enough self-esteem problems without throwing my inability to bear children into the mix *every* *single* *day*. I've been dealing with some kind of allergic reaction on my skin all year and I FINALLY think we figured out the culprit: I am allergic to normal laundry detergents and softeners. So I bought all new "Free and Gentle" or whatever detergents and such, spent a whole weekend washing every scrap of clothing I own, and am experiencing exponentially less discomfort. I would really like it if by Christmas I didn't look like a leper anymore. I would also love to shave my legs finally.

Okay, so there's my update. I promise I am keeping up with all of you and I will try to find more things to talk about while I chill from TTC!

More IF Music

I am not a fan of what I would call "praise" music in the Christian Genre. It takes a special song to needle its way into my heart despite my initial reservations when I know its "praise music". But this song just makes me want to cry and cry...in a good way, if that makes sense. Its definitely being added to my Infertility Music Mix.

Please to enjoy...

Back in the Stirrups Again

I did get to squeeze into the schedule for today and have an u/s. We are good to go for this cycle, mixing things up a bit with clomid CD5-10, including a double dose today. Also we are doing a trigger shot this month, mostly because I've got one hanging around the back of my fridge and its going to expire in a month.

The Guru told me he feels like we are in the fine tuning stages of treatment with me, rather than wildly vacillating trying to figure out something, anything that works. That actually made me feel pretty good. Plus one of the songs from my infertility mix played on the radio while I was headed to my appointment. I count that as good luck, not that that's worth much.

I have a new obsession lately: audiobooks. Now that they are available in digital form, its so easy to borrow an audiobook from the library and load it on my iPhone! Okay, that is a patent lie. In theory, it is easy. In practice, the first audiobook I got required about 4 hours of screaming, raving, coercing, and willing myself *not* to throw my laptop at a wall. First the audiobook software didn't like my computer, then when I solved that problem, my iPhone decided to be a total butthead and refuse to tell me where the files were that it had *just* downloaded. There's even a handy dandy section in the iPod app *for* audiobooks, but of course it wasn't in there. The first book, "Bossypants" (so funny, you MUST read!!) turned up as an empty playlist in my iPod. Using the phone's search function, I was able to pull up the audio files and play the book, but now that I'm done, I have no way of deleting it because my phone doesn't actually *show* the files wherever they supposedly are being kept. Its a very strange problem that I'm sure I'm not articulating well...

The second book was much easier to download now that I knew the weirdness I'd have to deal with. It loaded onto my phone as an album in my iPod, which is nice in that the phone is actually showing me the files in a location where I can then delete them, but its unfortunate because the files play like a song and not a book. I don't get certain controls like rewind 15 seconds, fast forward 15 seconds, and double-time the talking speed. Oh well, at least I can listen to The Hunger Games while I drive, work, cook, crochet, and lay in bed trying to get sleepy. Yes, I am very late to the show, but I'm *finally* reading (listening to...whatever) The Hunger Games. I plan on watching the moving once I've finished the first book.

The Guru briefly discussed our future treatment plans before ending my appointment. We agreed that if I'm not pregnant by the end of the year, we should bump up to IUI's, probably still going with whatever protocol is getting me to ovulate. We do still have the minor issue of M's not so stellar swimmers to contend with, afterall.

Super fun times here guys, I cannot even tell you. Poor normal people, sitting out there, getting pregnant at home without specialists, nurses, drugs, bloodwork - I mean, c'mon, where's the fun in *that*? Amiright? ;-)

7DPO and Counting...

I went in for my progesterone blood draw this morning. Fastest visit to the lab *ever*.

My temps are still high and, even better, not a hint of spotting yet. On my few non-medicated cycles, I usually started spotting around 7DPO. I think its symptomatic of poor ovulation quality and a crappy corpus luteum progesterone output. On medicated cycles, I don't usually spot until 12 or 13 DPO - probably due to a better egg and corpus luteum. But I always *always* spot before my period, medicated cycle or not.

So, not spotting today is a good sign of strong ovulation, but I won't allow myself to hope for more than that just yet. I will probably test on 13 or 14 DPO. If there's no spotting up til then, I will be very anxious to see what the test says. f I am spotting, the test is a perfunctory act to clear my conscience before I start drinking.

Ooh, I just looked at the calendar. My sister and her BFF always plan a "Girls' Weekend" in the summer. We all get together at someone's house on a Friday, kick out all the boys, and hang out for 3 days straight crafting, cooking, and watching movies. Its this coming weekend, which means if I test on 13 DPO (Sunday, 8/12), I'll be among friends whether good news or bad, alcohol can be on hand, and I'll have a whole day to recover before going to work. That sounds like the best possible scenario, even if one of the gals there just found out she's having an "oops" baby (apparently, condoms don't work well enough). She's not exactly in my "cohort" as it were, so for some reason that means it bothers me less.

Cross your fingers that I make it through the week and weekend with NO SPOTTING!

My Summer Guilty Pleasure

I am not a fan of reality TV in general. The kind of "reality" programming I enjoy watching is drama-free cooking shows, home buying shows, and home renovation shows. And Wipe Out before it became impossible.

But there is one drama-filled, social experiment gone wrong that I have a love/hate relationship with every summer: Big Brother. I can't help myself! Every year I get so excited to have something to watch 3 nights a week and tons of blog reading and obsessing online. And every year the cast is mostly a big disappointment and production *clearly* interferes with the game to push their agenda and the story lines they think America wants to see. But I Can't. Stop. Watching!

The cast list is out for the new season and I have thoroughly investigated each new victim. In addition, there are 4 returning House Guests from previous years (I'm so sick of them doing this). But despite my reservations about the cast and the ridiculous "twists", and the ugly house decor this year, I will faithfully sit in front of my TV every Thursday, Sunday, and Wednesday through the end of the summer.

So what's your guilty TV pleasure? What do you judge yourself for watching but you can't seem to stop yourself? Any other BB fans out there?

Ray of Sunshine

Wow, June has *flown* by! Next month I can go back to fertility treatments, crazy!

God is, however briefly, smiling down on M and I the past few days. He had that interview on Friday which went well (calls are being made today and tomorrow for second interviews). And today he got called for an interview with a company *much* closer to home. We would not need to move and I could keep my job. I'm so excited to finally see some activity and responses to all of M's hard work! Seriously, this is the most action we've had on the job front since he started his search.

As for my lady bits, I still can't figure out if or how well the surgery has helped things. I did get AF on my own, but I was doing that back in the winter, too. And AF doesn't prove that I ovulated since so many PCOSers have annovulatory bleeding (I never did before January, 2012, but apparently this is my new norm). The spotting has finally stopped (there is way more spotting since January than I've ever had, also) and even though I am only on CD8, I have EWCM. It is very obvious and there is tons of it, I could not possibly be mistaken. I'm frustrated by this because it seems way too early in the cycle for this to be a good thing. It is more likely proof that my hormones are still out of whack than it is a sign of impending O. But then, I am rather jaded when it comes to my body, aren't I? I am still temping and I decided this cycle I would actually chart them, just to see. I refuse to put any pressure on myself to TTC this cycle, though. No scheduled sexy-time for this lady! I'm sticking to a "wait and see" attitude. If my body O's on its own, then it is likely to do it again and I can try to catch the egg *next* time.

For now I'm focusing on finishing strong in my weight training class, making steady progress on my afghan so I can start my other projects for my sister and the baby soon, and drooling over real estate in our area. M and I have decided to start going to open houses when we see something we like - just to get our feet wet and see what is available in our price range. So far we have not been disappointed and are more desperate than ever for a job so we can become home owners. I'm very happy that the money left over from his trust fund puts us in a good position as far as a down payment goes. In our area it still appears to very much be a buyer's market and I hope it stays that way for another year.

Today I feel really positive and hopeful. Something good is on the horizon for us, I'm sure of it.

My Infertility Music Mix

Is it crazy ironic that I posted "When God closes a door, he always opens a window...Now where's that damn window??" on Facebook and literally 4 hours later my husband got an interview request somewhere? Yes, incredibly, weirdly, but serendipitously, ironic. The potential job is 3 1/2 hours away from here, so we would have to move and I would have to find a new job, but we will discuss the pros and cons of that bridge if and when we come to it.

The real purpose of this post is to share my latest playlist on my Ipod. I've been gathering a list of songs for an "Infertility Mix" for a little over a month now. Now that I have it pulled together, its really more of a personal growth mix, but that personal growth has been accomplished through my struggles with infertility, so I feel the name is still apt. There aren't actually any songs about family or children or infertility specifically on it, but the songs I've chosen do speak to me about my struggles. So without further ado....

My Infertility Music Mix (in no particular order)

1. Airplanes - B.O.B.

2. Down to Earth - Peter Gabriel

3. For the Moments I Feel Faint - Relient K

4. Forward Motion - Relient K

5. Landslide - Glee cast version

6. Let My Love Open the Door - Pete Townsend

7. Overkill - Colin Hay (his solo version, not the Men at Work version)

8. Pressing On - Relient K

9. Shake it Out - Florence and the Machine

10. Some Nights - Fun (I am currently uber obsessed with this song)

11. Those Words Are Not Enough - Relient K

12. We Found Love - Rihanna

13. The Cave - Mumford and Sons

14. Away From the Sun - 3 Doors Down

15. Brick - Ben Folds Five (I know this is a song about an abortion, but considering it is from the point of view of a person who did not want the abortion to happen, its really a song about loss to me.)

Do you have music that speaks to your IF struggles? Or a particular song that can lift your spirits and help you carry on on a bad day? I encourage you to check out the songs on my list that you haven't heard - obviously I love them all!

This is Why We Don't Make Plans

...because as the poet says, they oft' go awry. For example, had I been *planning* on AF showing up in a week, I would have been devastated last night when she blew in in all her painful, disgusting glory. But you know what? I don't care. She came, and that's a big deal in and of itself. So I have to wait another cycle before calling Dr. B - big woop. That just gives me more time to focus on weight training and being generally happy with what life throws at me. And at least the spotting will stop and in a few days I can pounce my long-suffering husband.

I feel like an outlier right now in the infertility world. All but a very few bloggers I'm following are pregnant and the others are actively trying. I almost feel like a sham - is my blog still an IF blog? Well of course it is, but I still feel...different. I guess things will get back to "normal" in about 30 days, which is basically when I had originally expected to go back to TTC. Until then, you will all just have to read about the more mundane parts of my life. Maybe I'll post pictures of my current crochet project - I am *so* proud of it!

The War on Curly Hair

Another Fertility-Free post, sorry if they are less interesting. I promise to write a big, long post after my appointment tomorrow and then get back to my regularly scheduled, fertility related, crazy-pants self ::wink::

So, who are my curly haired sisters out there? Any wavy girls (cause you count, too!)? My curly hair is one of my best loved features (and I have so few: my eyes, my collar bones...that's about it). But I didn't always love it and it wasn't always curly. When I was a kid, I had bone straight hair, not a hint of curl. Around age 12/13 my hair rather suddenly got a rougher and bushier texture - it was horrible trying to deal with it through Jr. High! My mom finally got fed up with my weird hair and took me to her stylist who announced "Well no wonder, she's got curly hair!" I was so confused, but apparently hormones can make your hair curl.

From the time I learned my hair was curly until about a year ago I had a serious love/hate relationship with my hair. When it was good it was very, very good and when it was bad it was *awful*! And I could never tell when bad hair days would strike, they seemed so random. I could spend a half an hour on my hair in the morning and it might look like I just rolled out of bed. Frizz was impossible to tame through all known means. And remember, this was back in the rather early days of the internet. No youtube to find videos on how to manage curly hair, naturally curly dot com didn't even exist, so I was very much on my own. I lived with my hair this way for 14 years before finally *finally* figuring out what I was doing wrong.

At Barnes and Noble one day last year, I found The Curly Girl Guidebook on clearance. I leafed through it and knew I had to buy it. I went home, read the book cover to cover, watched the videos on the DVD and knew my hair's life would never be the same. It turns out that 90% of commercial hair products are formulated with straight hair in mind (even products that claim they are for curly hair). Straight hair and curly hair are structurally *very* different and therefore have very different washing and care needs. Who knew!? Not me, that's for sure. To combat frizz, companies load up their conditioners and styling products with silicones which coat the hair shaft and force it to behave. The hair has no access to air and water, which is what creates frizz. However, silicone is not water soluble, so you can't just rinse it out of your hair - it takes a strong surfactant to wash out the silicone or it will build up on your hair and make it dull and very unhealthy. Most shampoos contain sulfates to be able to wash out tricky chemicals like silicone from the hair - sounds like a simple enough solution, right? Except that sulfates are incredibly *harsh* cleansers which strip the hair shaft of everything including its own natural and necessary oils. This is not a terribly bad thing for people with straight hair because they have more oily hair to begin with. Curly people on the other hand have more dry hair because the oil originates at the scalp and our kinky texture keeps the oils from sliding down the hair shaft. So we strangle our hair with silicones and then strip them of nutrients with harsh sulfates and this creates very sad, unhealthy, and unlovely looking curly hair. Not to mention all the damage you can do to it by flat ironing it! I was so guilty of this, especially in the summer when humidity made my hair a frizz-ball unless I ironed it. I have permanently retired my once beloved flat iron.

I had to throw away all my shampoos and conditioners, as well as some of my styling products. I pitched my brushes and combs. At first I was very afraid that the only products on the market without dangerous chemicals would be *super* expensive, but I have been happily surprised to find many "drug store" quality brands that will not harm my hair. I have been sulfates and silicone free for almost a year now.

Until earlier this week when I had to buy more conditioner. I'd found a popular, reasonably priced brand at the grocery store which had none of the chemicals I avoid and was very good for my hair, so I had used it for some time. When I went to use it in the shower, the texture came out *very* different that I was used to. I ran it throughout my hair and knew something was wrong. I quickly checked the ingredients on the bottle and found they had added SILICONE! Without saying anything! No, "new and improved formula!" or any bullshit like that. I was horrified. I had to use a clarifying shampoo (hello harsh sulfates) to get it out and then do a protein treatment. I was SO MAD at the company for changing the formula! Fortunately, I was able to return the offending item to the store and pick up a different conditioner with a label pronouncing "no silicones!". Damn straight, no silicones...

For the first time in my life, I love my hair. I love the way it looks, I love caring for it and I love knowing that it will look beautiful almost every day. And when I do have a rare bad hair day, I know what to do about it. And I've gotten good at noticing the subtle ways that the media and popular public perception try to make curly hair sound like a bad thing. I watched a segment on a Saturday morning talk show that promised to help women with frizz issues. Every single one of the women they showed obviously had some degree of curly hair (whether wavy, or truly curly) that simply wasn't being managed well. The "expert's" solution to their hair woes was to dump a bunch of chemicals on them and flat iron the shit out of it. I got so mad (silly, I know) because it was clear to me they were implying "curly hair ugly, straight hair pretty!". I guess you could say I'm a militant curly girl, and there's just no going back. Why would I *want* to go back when  finally love my hair? I wish I could spread the good word to every frizzy haired woman who can't understand why her hair won't behave. Curly hair is *beautiful*, don't believe a word the "experts" say!

Fertility Free Friday: Get Your Glee On!

I have zero fertility related things to blog about, so its a perfect opportunity to take advantage of a meme many of you bloggers follow regularly. And there are so many things I could talk about, but what kept me awake last night was thinking about the show Glee. (Warning: if you watch the show and haven't finished this season, don't read this).

I admit it, I watch Glee. Not religiously - I'm not a "gleek" (worst fan nickname ever. To "gleek" is to produce a projectile spit. Dentists are often accidentally "gleeked" on). I've followed the show since the beginning and the first two seasons were a bit hokey, but so darn cute and the show had so much promise. I loved that all the incidental music was performed by an a capella group. Mr. Schuester wasn't as creepy and obnoxious back then and the story lines were a little less after-school-special than they are now. And yes, I loved the music. I am a musical freak, so Glee is sort of what high school was like in my head. I think its stupid that they cast people as capable as Lea Michelle and then autotune the crap out of them, but what can you do; American Idol is ruining any sense of what *real* vocals sound like.

I don't know when it started going downhill exactly. I mean it was never on top, it was always a quirky, odd-ball show with a niche audience. But something has changed and the quality and trajectory of the show is not what I had hoped for. First of all, it has become *way* too preachy and sanctimonious. Seems like every episode has a Public Service Announcement to make. Remember back in the 90's when family sit-coms ruled network television and now and then there was: A Very Special Episode of Full House/Family Matters/Blossom - Someone would have an eating disorder, or an abusive parent, a drug problem, or engage in *gasp* underage drinking! Imagine if *every single episode* was one of those godawful "very special episodes". That's basically what Glee has devolved into. I can understand wanting to address issues affecting teens, but...the way they are doing it is so preachy and clunky as to lead one to wonder "are these issues that teens are actually talking about or are they issues the writers *think* that teens *aught* to be talking about"? It doesn't feel true, honest, or organic at all. And for some of the PSA plots there's very little lead in for it to seem plausible.

This season the female coach, Ms. Beast, met a man, fell in love, and got married. Every interaction we ever saw with Cooter (where do they come up with these ridiculous names??), he was a sweet, adorable, smitten man. Then about 4 episodes from the end of the season he hauls off and punches Beast because she hadn't done the dishes. Uhhhhhhhhhhh, what? I believe that domestic violence is a very serious issue, no laughing matter, etc. But they made it sound like there is no way in the world to know if the man you are with could ever hurt you. Nice guys can just pop off and beat you one day with no warning. Whaaaaaa?? I'm sorry, but nothing in my 7 years of schooling in psychology and counseling *ever* led me to think that there are no warning signs for men with anger problems and the potential for domestic abuse. But that's how they presented it on the show. And I think that's just plain wrong. Plus that whole plot felt shoe-horned in and completely unnecessary, which does a serious disservice to the cause of domestic violence awareness.

The music has suffered too over the seasons. They used to write a story and then insert music that fit the plot points and emotions of the characters. Now, with many weeks being THEME WEEK on Glee, it feels like they pick the music and write stories to justify the use of that set of songs. Blech! Not to mention when the characters sing now it many times turns into some crappy mini-music video with the singers apparating from the choir room to the auditorium with full lights, costumes, and back up singers. I also finding it HI-larious that whenever New Directions is seen at a competition, their group is fleshed out with background singers who you've never seen before and will never see again.

All of this would be 100% forgiven if the show was just a *little* more self-aware. And that's not to say that it is totally unaware of itself now. Some of the best humor comes from little throw away lines the writers stick in to cheerfully poke fun at themselves. For example, after several episodes in a row where Brittany was seen but given no lines, she says to someone "I didn't talk for a couple weeks" or something like that. It was so funny to see that insider humor. There's little treasures like that scattered sparsely throughout every episode of Glee and its those nuggets of genuine humor that keep me watching. Because I *know* the show is capable of being funny and light-hearted and genuine and meaningful. Its just too bad that 9 times out of 10 they miss the mark completely.

So, any fellow Glee watchers out there? Wanna come out of the shadows and fess up to your guilty pleasure? (pleasure seems like a strong word when I spend half of every episode rolling my eyes or making prolonged "uuuuugh" sounds). Do you think that Glee is just as good as ever (or maybe was never any good at all)? Are you also getting tired of the weekly PSA's? Discuss!

Feel the Burn!

If only my instructor was like Hans und Franz...

Did I mention in my last post that I'm taking a weight training class? Let me explain:

I work for a university and as such I can take classes for free - including from the Health and Physical Recreation department (in other words, gym classes!). So a co-worker and I signed up for weight training for women which is two days a week for the next 10 weeks. Today was our first day and Janie, our instructor, is going to *Pump* us up!

This is going to be so good for me because I really need the external motivation to do my best. If I try really hard I can get myself to the gym every now and then, or take a zumba class in town, but the fact that there is mandatory attendance (and I paid a $10 supplies fee) means that I will not flake out on my workout. And I *love* that this is a class only for women! No big sweaty men strutting from machine to machine, bench pressing my entire body weight and generally making me feel stupid and weak. I think there's one or two female athletes in my class, but for the most part, everyone there seemed as clueless as me - yay!!

I was a little nervous about starting this class during my 2ww, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and act like I don't even know. Anyway, I'm such a weakling, I didn't lift anything heavier than 20 lb. (except in the leg exercises, my legs are hella strong!). And I need this! I make way too many excuses for why I can't work out: zumba leaves me manic for the rest of the night and I can't sleep, sweating ruins my precious curly hair (and I'm on the Curly Girl method - have I blogged about that yet? If not, I totally will), I think I may have ovulated and I don't want to accidentally kill a little embryo. Bull shit, bull shit, bull shit.

Clearly this whole getting pregnant thing is not happening, so why do I bend my life around the assumption it will? That only leads to heartache, as many of you know, I'm sure. This class will be good for me, good for my whole body. And it can only improve my chances of getting pregnant. And the pain in my muscles is an *excellent* distraction from any symptoms I'm having, real or imaginary. Thank heaven for tuition remission!

Distractions

When I told Fertility Friend that I had taken an HCG shot, it advised that I manually override ovulation and put in my own date. I haven't done it yet. I can't - not until I get my progesterone results proving I did in fact ovulate. Yes, I'm that neurotically concerned that I didn't. I don't have any real reason to assume I didn't (other than being burned in the past), but even the symptoms that I am feeling now can't be trusted because they could just be the trigger shot. My EWCM went away, my boobs are sore, and the nausea has continued off and on (though not nearly as bad as Thursday). All of these things could be from the trigger, so I really don't know anything for sure. I just don't want to assume ovulation, get back negative results, and then that little line on my chart will sit there mocking me. I go for blood work on Friday, but of course I won't know the results until Monday - a whole week of waiting yet.

I've got several options for distractions: The two hour Mad Men premiere was fabulous and there will be plenty of blogs dissecting every word and glance. Plus a new episode next Sunday that can hopefully get me through to Friday (as long as I actually have reason to POAS). There's plenty of work to do at work (if I can tear myself away from all your blogs!) and church on Wednesday. Plus I'll have my nephew for lunch on Friday while my sister is at another u/s. Thank goodness next week is Holy week. Tons of church stuff to occupy my time *and* M's birthday. ::sigh:: All this still leaves far too many hours to think too much. I should really start another crochet project...maybe that would help.

My mom asked when I will test and when I told her Firday the 6th she said, "Oh that will make for a wonderful Easter!" She actually said that with glee, not sarcasm. Like she's expecting it will be positive. I could only shake my head. I don't have it in me to think like that, I just don't. I already looked at the calendar and counted out the days for the next cycle - when I'll take meds, when I might trigger, etc. I know it sounds terribly pessimistic, but these things keep me grounded. If I get good news from my first blood check, then I'll let myself have a tiny bit of hope and excitement. All I've wanted for the past year and 3 months was to ovulate predictably. And so far I have failed miserably at it. I guess we'll see...

Not So Fertility Free Friday

I know a lot of people do the themed Friday posts (as well as Thankful Thursday). And I actually have non-fertility stuff to talk about for once! But I also still have plenty of IF stuff, so its not a true Fertility-Free Friday here.

First, my IUI went great!! M's washed sample was almost double the average for our clinic :-D If this cycle doesn't get us pregnant (or God forbid, I don't ovulate), then I will feel comfortable doing Timed Intercourse for any subsequent cycles. That is a big relief to our wallets. I hope those millions of little swimmers appreciate that I just spent over $300 to give them the best possible chance! I did start temping again as of yesterday, so I hope I can see a clear temp rise in a few days. They are also having me go in for a progesterone check next Friday to confirm ovulation and then I have orders for a blood pregnancy test for April 6th if I want to use it. I had initially told the nurse it wasn't necessary (because I have to assume this isn't going to work, so why waste the blood?), but she reminded me it will be a Friday and if I get a positive home test, but don't already have the order for a blood test, I may have to wait all weekend. Thank goodness she talked me into it. Just in case...

My IUI appointment lined up pretty close with J's u/s appointment, so she and her husband were in the waiting room when we walked out. M and I waited for their appointment to be over so we could all leave together. I quickly became a nervous wreck after J was called back. Her husband is good about texting my mom and I with the u/s info and it took *so long* to hear from him I became convinced it was bad news. Instead, we got video of the little nubbin wiggling around!! So J came out finally and we hugged and cried and breathed another sigh of relief. I'm so glad we are seeing the same doctor. And I hate that we both have to go through IF, but at least we have each other.

I refuse to look up prospective due dates. I refuse to google what our odds of conception might be, given M's sample. And I know better than to symptom spot. I am going to try my damnedest to pretend that nothing is different at all. Its 2 weeks, 14 short little days - I can wait.

And while I wait, I can obsess over something else entirely because...

                                                               MAD MEN IS BACK ON SUNDAY!!!!!!

Oh how I have missed this show! It has helped that Downton Abbey came about and was an excellent distraction, but I need my Don Draper fix!! And Peggy! And Joan - Oh how I've missed Joan! So for 2 hours Sunday night, I know for certain I won't be thinking about my ovaries or uterus. My mind will be solely consumed with the gossip and intrigue at Sterling Cooper Draper Price ;-)

Busy Weekend

It was a weekend of ups and downs, good things and annoying things.

The most annoying thing of course being my body's insistence on having AF all over again after only two weeks. As of yesterday afternoon, its back to just spotting. I do not like this, Sam I am...

There were plenty of good things to punctuate my weekend, not the least of which was that M found out his application made it through HR!! He is one of 15 candidates and he already knows two of the staff on the hiring committee. He's worked out a wonderful little speech to give them during his interview and I'm just so freaking excited!! This is the closest he has gotten to finding a job in several months. So, again, prayers and positive thoughts are welcome and appreciated :-)

Saw one of my favorite stand-up comics at a local comedy club on Friday. Anyone familiar with Christopher Titus? He somehow manages to make terribly not-funny things gut-bustingly hilarious. I was thrilled to see him live and it was all new material, so well worth the ticket price! Then Saturday I spent the morning with my mom and sister at the art museum. There's a touring exhibit of Norman Rockwell paintings that we've been meaning to see and we finally went. It was incredible! So much detail in each painting, you could stare for hours picking out the hints to the story of the picture. I love all the exaggerated expressions and the paintings where the main subject is turned away from the viewer. They even had a whole room filled with original copies of the Saturday Evening Post covers that he made. If this exhibit tours near your home I highly suggest going to see it!

And, of course, Sunday was the big game: the Puppy Bowl!!! Oh, I mean - The Super Bowl! I just use it as an excuse to eat fun food and spend time with my family. I only watched through half-time though because I had to get home in time to watch Downton Abbey! I can't live without my British drama - that show is like *crack*!

The other annoying thing that happened involved the yarn I am crocheting getting *horribly* tangled and requiring over 2 hours to get sorted out. My sister's friend came over with her girls for the game. The younger girl, A, was watching me crochet and asked if I would show her how. I gave her a little lesson and showed her how to make a chain, but I didn't have any extra bits to give to her to keep practicing. So, I decided to quickly unroll the skein I was working with and cut off a bit at the end to give her. I don't know why I couldn't predict what a disaster that would be. Ah well, she got a little ball of yarn to practice with in the end - I just can't say no to her, she is so adorable.

So, busy weekend and a busy week ahead. Hopefully Dr. B's office will call me back about this spotting...

I have a life?

Such a busy weekend ahead of me. I just went to the library and picked up the book that The Ladies in Waiting book club is reading next month. Very excited to start discussions about that. It will certainly be useful to keep my mind occupied and maybe for a while I can show that I do have other things that interest me besides obsessing over my infertility. For example: I now crochet. I also make jewelry, but my apartment is so small that pulling out all my jewelry crafting tools gets cumbersome and it clutters up our small living space easily. Crochet is far more portable.

My nephew is very excited that I have picked up this hobby because he has been wanting my sister to show him how to crochet for a few months. I'm not sure where he picked up on the idea, but I'm happy to share my hobby with him. I love that my sister is okay with her son being interested in "stereotypically girl things". He loves legos and star wars, and he's a boy scout - but when he was a baby he would coo like crazy in the Victoria's Secret store. We figured out his favorite color was pink, and we all had a good laugh about it. I think he's going to grow up to be a really well rounded person because no one is forcing him to live up to any particular image of what it is to be a "man". That makes me very proud :-)

And while I'm on the subject of well-roundedness, I might as well mention some other interests of mine that may come up. I *love* musical theater and if you ever saw me driving, I would be rocking out in my car to West Side Story, Avenue Q, Wicked, almost anything I can get my hands on. I just went to see one of my favorite musicals, RENT, at the university where I work. Our theater arts program is really good and the performance pretty well blew me away.

Look at that, a whole post about anything but my stupid, greedy ovaries. I feel like I'm growing! ;-)

So what kinds of hobbies and activities do you guys do to keep your brains busy?