Its CD16, trigger day.
I've had EWCM for 3 or 4 days now, but my cervix seems stubbornly low and closed. I suppose the HCG shot should fix all that.
I'm excited. And I'm nervous. I've been here before. Not with this drug, but with others. Thinking that I have "arrived", that *this*, this was the missing piece - this pill, that shot, is the silver bullet, the chink in IF's armor that we can exploit and finally we'll get some results!
What if it doesn't work?
Is that possible? Are there people who don't respond to a trigger shot?
After the metformin didn't regulate my cycles, I was disappointed, but not very surprised. When clomid failed me month after month, though, I was fairly devastated. If this trigger shot doesn't work, I have to go under the knife (laser, whatever). I'm not worked up over this, I'm still in a very zen place right now. And even though surgery would suck, I just see it as one more weapon I can use to fight the PCOS - I am a warrior woman who is not afraid of a few scars. But I do wonder if it will come to that or not. Should I take it for granted that this shot is a sure thing, or should I put my guard up?
I don't think I'll ever stop waiting for the bottom to drop out on me. I know my sister hasn't. Nine - almost 10! - weeks pregnant now and she still cries at every ultrasound appointment. She's so afraid of the silence that might be at the end of the wand. And I don't blame her. How could you not be so permanently changed by something like that? I haven't even experienced anything nearly as bad and I still notice that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - always. You can't take anything for granted after you've been in the Land of IF for a while...
March 21, 2012
March 20, 2012
Unusually Calm
Going to California for a conference was a nice diversion from this cycle. While I was there I took all my clomid and got blood work done, but there was so much else going on I didn't have time to obsess over things as I have in the past. I was worried that coming back home would be a rude awakening and I'd fall to pieces. Afterall, Monday was my ultrasound where they checked to see if I had any decent sized follicles. If I didn't, I was one step closer to needing surgery (the ovarian drilling ::cringe::) in order to get pregnant.
I was planning for the worst without even hoping for the best. Imagine my surprise (sarcasm), when I found out I was wrong (much like George Castanza, perhaps I should live my life doing the opposite of what I would usually do since all my instincts appear to be wrong). Two decent sized follies! And on only 100mg of clomid. A 17 in one ovary and a 14 in the other. That's really good for a CD14 scan for me - I'm a late ovulator. Dr. B was pleased and told me I could use the HCG trigger shot Wednesday night for a Friday morning IUI. Holy cow! So...this is happening! I was honestly prepared to accept this cycle as a wash and prepare myself for surgery and a 2 month forced break while I recover. Instead, as of Friday I'll be in my 2 Week Wait! Crazy crazy...
And I feel really calm about all this, amazingly enough. I considered getting out my BBT thermometer to start tracking my temps again so I can see the exact day ovulate. But I haven't been sleeping well since I got back from my trip and I know that could throw things off. Even if this trigger shot does the trick and I ovulate one or two juicy eggs, there's still the issue of M's swimmers. He has only vaguely and sporadically been taking his vitamins that are supposed to help with morphology (heaven forbid I say anything about it though because he's "trying"!). At least I know he hasn't been in any hot tubs... So I will be very interested to see what his "sample" looks like after they've washed it and cleared out all the...debris, let's say. I want to know if IUI is a good idea for any subsequent cycles or if Dr. B thinks we'll have a good chance with Timed Intercourse.
Maybe the reason I'm so collected this cycle is because with every Dr. visit I get more information, a clearer picture of what we are up against and whether treatment is working. Instead of sitting around going crazy wondering if the clomid is working, will I ovulate, is this EWCM for real? I *know* for certain what is going on and that provides a lot of peace of mind. I feel more confident that someday I *will* get my take-home baby.
Now, remind me about all this next week when I am FREAKING OUT over the tiniest non-symptom, haha!
I was planning for the worst without even hoping for the best. Imagine my surprise (sarcasm), when I found out I was wrong (much like George Castanza, perhaps I should live my life doing the opposite of what I would usually do since all my instincts appear to be wrong). Two decent sized follies! And on only 100mg of clomid. A 17 in one ovary and a 14 in the other. That's really good for a CD14 scan for me - I'm a late ovulator. Dr. B was pleased and told me I could use the HCG trigger shot Wednesday night for a Friday morning IUI. Holy cow! So...this is happening! I was honestly prepared to accept this cycle as a wash and prepare myself for surgery and a 2 month forced break while I recover. Instead, as of Friday I'll be in my 2 Week Wait! Crazy crazy...
And I feel really calm about all this, amazingly enough. I considered getting out my BBT thermometer to start tracking my temps again so I can see the exact day ovulate. But I haven't been sleeping well since I got back from my trip and I know that could throw things off. Even if this trigger shot does the trick and I ovulate one or two juicy eggs, there's still the issue of M's swimmers. He has only vaguely and sporadically been taking his vitamins that are supposed to help with morphology (heaven forbid I say anything about it though because he's "trying"!). At least I know he hasn't been in any hot tubs... So I will be very interested to see what his "sample" looks like after they've washed it and cleared out all the...debris, let's say. I want to know if IUI is a good idea for any subsequent cycles or if Dr. B thinks we'll have a good chance with Timed Intercourse.
Maybe the reason I'm so collected this cycle is because with every Dr. visit I get more information, a clearer picture of what we are up against and whether treatment is working. Instead of sitting around going crazy wondering if the clomid is working, will I ovulate, is this EWCM for real? I *know* for certain what is going on and that provides a lot of peace of mind. I feel more confident that someday I *will* get my take-home baby.
Now, remind me about all this next week when I am FREAKING OUT over the tiniest non-symptom, haha!
March 12, 2012
So Much Time, and so Little to Do!
Stop that. Reverse it. Much better.
Going out of town for a my conference tomorrow and of course my office has been insane all day. I've finally gotten a few minutes to catch my breath and collect my thoughts.
My HSG was today and thank GOD it went fine, there was no pain and my tubes are clear! So, now that we know that my uterus is fine and does its job, and my fallopian tubes are fine and do *their* jobs...::pointedly stares at ovaries:: I guess we have only one culprit left.
Both the Guru and Dr. B have been reviewing the labs as they come back and they are in agreement that I am a good candidate for ovarian drilling. That kind of scared me when he said it because what little I know of it...well it sounds scary. But he explained a lot to me (I *love* this practice, the doctors are amazingly smart and so good about explaining things!) and now I am more willing to at least consider it. I want to see what happens this cycle, see how I respond to the clomid, etc. They will try a stair-step approach if I'm not responding and give me Femara most likely. If I respond poorly to that too, then we know ovarian drilling is probably the smart thing to do.
Jesus Christ, *surgery*, just for the hope of getting pregnant...I feel like I'm crossing a line of no return. I will never be able to "fit in" with a regular mommy group because of the battle scars I will have from getting my take home baby. You just can't go back to happy la-la land after going through this shit. We know too much. I don't like playing the Pain Olympics with other IFers, but for some reason I have no problem playing it with "normals". Honey, you don't know the meaning of pain - I don't care if you did do a home birth with no meds.
So anyway, *so much* going on right now! And every time I go to Dr. B's office I get a slew of new information thrown at me. I won't be updating while I'm gone, and even worse, I'm sure I won't be keeping up with blogs I follow. Nobody get pregnant while I'm gone, okay?? I don't want to miss out on the congratulations! I'll be back Sunday, so feel free to POAS then ;-)
Going out of town for a my conference tomorrow and of course my office has been insane all day. I've finally gotten a few minutes to catch my breath and collect my thoughts.
My HSG was today and thank GOD it went fine, there was no pain and my tubes are clear! So, now that we know that my uterus is fine and does its job, and my fallopian tubes are fine and do *their* jobs...::pointedly stares at ovaries:: I guess we have only one culprit left.
Both the Guru and Dr. B have been reviewing the labs as they come back and they are in agreement that I am a good candidate for ovarian drilling. That kind of scared me when he said it because what little I know of it...well it sounds scary. But he explained a lot to me (I *love* this practice, the doctors are amazingly smart and so good about explaining things!) and now I am more willing to at least consider it. I want to see what happens this cycle, see how I respond to the clomid, etc. They will try a stair-step approach if I'm not responding and give me Femara most likely. If I respond poorly to that too, then we know ovarian drilling is probably the smart thing to do.
Jesus Christ, *surgery*, just for the hope of getting pregnant...I feel like I'm crossing a line of no return. I will never be able to "fit in" with a regular mommy group because of the battle scars I will have from getting my take home baby. You just can't go back to happy la-la land after going through this shit. We know too much. I don't like playing the Pain Olympics with other IFers, but for some reason I have no problem playing it with "normals". Honey, you don't know the meaning of pain - I don't care if you did do a home birth with no meds.
So anyway, *so much* going on right now! And every time I go to Dr. B's office I get a slew of new information thrown at me. I won't be updating while I'm gone, and even worse, I'm sure I won't be keeping up with blogs I follow. Nobody get pregnant while I'm gone, okay?? I don't want to miss out on the congratulations! I'll be back Sunday, so feel free to POAS then ;-)
March 09, 2012
Standing on the Brink
I just filled my clomid prescription... Am I really ready for this ride again?
I'm standing on a precipice and I have no idea where the bottom is. Am I ready for this? I'm so excited to get back to actively trying to build our family, but also filled with trepidation. I'm not as naive as I was a year ago (and I honestly don't think I was that naive back then), I know there could still be a long road ahead.
I told an IRL friend that I was really looking forward to this cycle and she warned me not to get my hopes too high. Ha! Rookie mistake, right? I told her that I've long since given up on active hope - that just doesn't exist anymore. But there's this...passive hope, that will never really go away. I can push it down and shove it in some small dark corner of my mind, but its never going to be 100% gone. Its that passive hope that brings the tears even when I get a BFN that I was expecting.
Am I ready for my daily life to be consumed with all things fertility again? I have 3 appointments in a week...that's crazy to me! We are rising to a new level of intensity. I know this is a necessary step because all these extra appointments will give us a wealth of information about my cycles and how I react to the medicine, but wow! And to think, I'm not even in the deep end yet. I think if we go with an IUI this cycle we'll be hovering about the point in the pool where my head goes underwater (but I'm only 5'3", so that's not very deep).
I wish "normals" could understand how much bravery is required to go through fertility treatments month after month. We put our hearts out there time and again, fully acknowledging we could be crushed, but knowing that its so worth it if we come out the other side one day with our take home baby. And for those who never reach that goal, it only intensifies how much strength and bravery they possess.
I stand at the top of the rabbit hole, peering down into oblivion. But at least this time I feel like I have a parachute of sorts. So what am I afraid of? Just take a deep breath and jump. Pop that first pill, and away we go...
Bottoms up, Alice.
I'm standing on a precipice and I have no idea where the bottom is. Am I ready for this? I'm so excited to get back to actively trying to build our family, but also filled with trepidation. I'm not as naive as I was a year ago (and I honestly don't think I was that naive back then), I know there could still be a long road ahead.
I told an IRL friend that I was really looking forward to this cycle and she warned me not to get my hopes too high. Ha! Rookie mistake, right? I told her that I've long since given up on active hope - that just doesn't exist anymore. But there's this...passive hope, that will never really go away. I can push it down and shove it in some small dark corner of my mind, but its never going to be 100% gone. Its that passive hope that brings the tears even when I get a BFN that I was expecting.
Am I ready for my daily life to be consumed with all things fertility again? I have 3 appointments in a week...that's crazy to me! We are rising to a new level of intensity. I know this is a necessary step because all these extra appointments will give us a wealth of information about my cycles and how I react to the medicine, but wow! And to think, I'm not even in the deep end yet. I think if we go with an IUI this cycle we'll be hovering about the point in the pool where my head goes underwater (but I'm only 5'3", so that's not very deep).
I wish "normals" could understand how much bravery is required to go through fertility treatments month after month. We put our hearts out there time and again, fully acknowledging we could be crushed, but knowing that its so worth it if we come out the other side one day with our take home baby. And for those who never reach that goal, it only intensifies how much strength and bravery they possess.
I stand at the top of the rabbit hole, peering down into oblivion. But at least this time I feel like I have a parachute of sorts. So what am I afraid of? Just take a deep breath and jump. Pop that first pill, and away we go...
Bottoms up, Alice.
March 06, 2012
CD1!!!!
(I've been waiting all day to write this post)
I don't think normal people could ever understand how exciting it is to get AF on your own when you've got PCOS (or any other anovulatory issues for that matter). I cycled! On my own! Without heavy drugs and terrible side effects!! Its incredible...its....possimpable!
So, I did get a kind of a miracle, just not the miracle I was hoping for. But I'll take what I can get - no complaints here! I waited a few hours, to make sure this really was CD1 and then I called Dr. B's office. Had to leave a message with the nurses' line (remember how fun that was last time?), but I was very careful to give them all the information they needed and spelled out my request to the letter. They called me back about 2 hours later and gave me an appointment on Thursday morning! I know I said I was waiting until after I get back from my trip next week to jump back in the trenches, but getting AF naturally was too great an opportunity for me to pass up. I have bloodwork and an HSG to schedule anyway and I'm not sure if those are happening in *conjunction* with treatment or before. If its before, then I'm happy to get started earlier than expected. And if my trip causes a conflict with appointments for a medicated cycle, then I know I can at least get the bloodwork and HSG out of the way.
Today, is a *very* good day :-)
I don't think normal people could ever understand how exciting it is to get AF on your own when you've got PCOS (or any other anovulatory issues for that matter). I cycled! On my own! Without heavy drugs and terrible side effects!! Its incredible...its....possimpable!
So, I did get a kind of a miracle, just not the miracle I was hoping for. But I'll take what I can get - no complaints here! I waited a few hours, to make sure this really was CD1 and then I called Dr. B's office. Had to leave a message with the nurses' line (remember how fun that was last time?), but I was very careful to give them all the information they needed and spelled out my request to the letter. They called me back about 2 hours later and gave me an appointment on Thursday morning! I know I said I was waiting until after I get back from my trip next week to jump back in the trenches, but getting AF naturally was too great an opportunity for me to pass up. I have bloodwork and an HSG to schedule anyway and I'm not sure if those are happening in *conjunction* with treatment or before. If its before, then I'm happy to get started earlier than expected. And if my trip causes a conflict with appointments for a medicated cycle, then I know I can at least get the bloodwork and HSG out of the way.
Today, is a *very* good day :-)
March 05, 2012
10 O'Clock and Already a Difficult Day
I kept waking up every hour last night. I think I was anxious about testing. I feel well rested despite that, so oh well. Obviously the test was negative or this would be a very different post already. I knew it would be negative, I don't know why I even allow that tiny microgram of hope to persist month after month. Now I just have to hope AF rears her ugly head (just in time for my birthday) - otherwise I'll have a whole new reason to be sad.
I shrugged off the BFN this morning and got on with my shower and such. I was even in a good mood when I got to work. Maybe it was this false sense of security that made me think it would be okay to *finally* respond to a Facebook message I received last week. A good friend of mine who now lives in Colorado (with her gorgeous husband and adorable 6 month old boy that she got pregnant with when her husband *looked* at her, swear to God!) wrote to me asking how J and I are, saying she prays for us and thinks of us all the time. And then she asked what PCOS is and why it makes TTC so difficult. When I first got the message I was so shocked by this random act of caring that I didn't know how to respond. I've gotten so used to pulling out my soapbox and angrily (or at least with a pissy manor) railing on and on about the cruel injustices of infertility...that didn't seem an appropriate response to a kind question. So I sat on it for several days. Why did I think that I could handle answering it today?
I had to lie by omission about J because she's not telling *anyone* she's pregnant yet. And then I just gave her the super condensed version of how I got here: that my hormones are jacked up, so I never ovulate. That in a whole year of "ttc" I never really had a shot at getting pregnant. That I blew through all the clomid doses with, basically, zero response. That now we know we are also dealing with okay/sub-fertile sperm morphology so we may be looking at IUI eventually. And before I knew it, I was crying - though it was more like my eyes were leaking against my will and without permission. I know she'll probably try for another baby once this one is weaned, so I asked her to please forgive me if I don't immediately sound as happy as I should when she is pregnant again. That made my leaky eyes worse, the fact that I am planning for this woman to lap me.
I've got myself back under control, my tear ducts heavily reprimanded for losing their shit at the office. I think I didn't realize how hard it would hit me to go back over all the crap that's happened up until now. I mean, I deal with it on a daily basis, you'd think I could write about it with a certain amount of detatchement. Apparently not. Maybe the BFN hit me harder than I thought. Maybe it hurts extra to talk about my IF with a super-fertile. Who knows. But all this makes me so happy that I have this safe space to come to and unload, so I can get back to my day feeling less burdened. In 2 weeks I can go back to Dr. B and finally, officially, *really* start TTC for the first time. That's enough to put a smile on my face for now.
I shrugged off the BFN this morning and got on with my shower and such. I was even in a good mood when I got to work. Maybe it was this false sense of security that made me think it would be okay to *finally* respond to a Facebook message I received last week. A good friend of mine who now lives in Colorado (with her gorgeous husband and adorable 6 month old boy that she got pregnant with when her husband *looked* at her, swear to God!) wrote to me asking how J and I are, saying she prays for us and thinks of us all the time. And then she asked what PCOS is and why it makes TTC so difficult. When I first got the message I was so shocked by this random act of caring that I didn't know how to respond. I've gotten so used to pulling out my soapbox and angrily (or at least with a pissy manor) railing on and on about the cruel injustices of infertility...that didn't seem an appropriate response to a kind question. So I sat on it for several days. Why did I think that I could handle answering it today?
I had to lie by omission about J because she's not telling *anyone* she's pregnant yet. And then I just gave her the super condensed version of how I got here: that my hormones are jacked up, so I never ovulate. That in a whole year of "ttc" I never really had a shot at getting pregnant. That I blew through all the clomid doses with, basically, zero response. That now we know we are also dealing with okay/sub-fertile sperm morphology so we may be looking at IUI eventually. And before I knew it, I was crying - though it was more like my eyes were leaking against my will and without permission. I know she'll probably try for another baby once this one is weaned, so I asked her to please forgive me if I don't immediately sound as happy as I should when she is pregnant again. That made my leaky eyes worse, the fact that I am planning for this woman to lap me.
I've got myself back under control, my tear ducts heavily reprimanded for losing their shit at the office. I think I didn't realize how hard it would hit me to go back over all the crap that's happened up until now. I mean, I deal with it on a daily basis, you'd think I could write about it with a certain amount of detatchement. Apparently not. Maybe the BFN hit me harder than I thought. Maybe it hurts extra to talk about my IF with a super-fertile. Who knows. But all this makes me so happy that I have this safe space to come to and unload, so I can get back to my day feeling less burdened. In 2 weeks I can go back to Dr. B and finally, officially, *really* start TTC for the first time. That's enough to put a smile on my face for now.
March 01, 2012
Definitely a Pattern
Yep, right on schedule the spotting is getting worse. I won't go into details. I had thought that I would take a pregnancy test next Friday just to make sure I'm in the clear for the celebratory drinking on Saturday for my birthday. Now I'm thinking I'll bump it up to Monday because if anything *is* growing in there (highly unlikely as that may be), its certainly not doing well if I'm spotting this bad. Monday is, at the earliest, 10DPO and at the latest...14DPO? Since I have no way of knowing when the supposed ovulation occurred, I'm going off the worst case scenario. I've got plenty of progesterone pills I could start popping if I need to. I might even take them anyway because this spotting *kills* my sex life and what is a birthday without some sexy time??
J had another ultrasound and got to hear a heartbeat. I know she'll feel a little more secure once she gets past 8 weeks (something about most early miscarriages happening between weeks 6 and 8?). And then we just wait 3 long months for the BIG milestone: the age of viability. If she makes it that far (pleas please please God, let her make it that far!), I've decided I'll buy her a nice gift, not a baby gift, just something for her.
Pretty soon I'll be going back to Dr. B, all set to start trying again. I'm really glad I took this break. The clomid symptoms I get are *so* strong, its been nice to just be my regular broken self without additional complaints. I've learned of 3 wonderful women getting pregnant during that time, each one feels like a miracle. I hope there's a bit of miracle left over for me...
J had another ultrasound and got to hear a heartbeat. I know she'll feel a little more secure once she gets past 8 weeks (something about most early miscarriages happening between weeks 6 and 8?). And then we just wait 3 long months for the BIG milestone: the age of viability. If she makes it that far (pleas please please God, let her make it that far!), I've decided I'll buy her a nice gift, not a baby gift, just something for her.
Pretty soon I'll be going back to Dr. B, all set to start trying again. I'm really glad I took this break. The clomid symptoms I get are *so* strong, its been nice to just be my regular broken self without additional complaints. I've learned of 3 wonderful women getting pregnant during that time, each one feels like a miracle. I hope there's a bit of miracle left over for me...
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