I've been blogging for a long time - since my freshman year in college actually. But I only recently made the move to Blogger. I couldn't find a way to back-date entries here, so the past year of TTC and infertility posts are still hanging out over at LiveJournal. I wanted to post the entry where I came to the decision to take a TTC break. I feel like it was a turning point in my IF journey. Also because the KA referenced in the post has continued to be a challenge for me. I'm this close to blocking her on Facebook. And she would stay blocked for a couple years at least. Her excessive fertility grates on me that much. And then I feel the obligatory guilt, then I excuse myself because Hello! Infertility sucks! lather, rinse, repeat... So anyway, I have included that old post below. I think it was at that point I realized I may be in this for the long haul, and finding a community of women who are going through the same trials, anger, and heartache might be the only thing that gets me through to the end.
12/30/11 New Year, Same Old Wish...
I've been mildly depressed ever since finding out that KA is having a girl. It is so painful being infertile in a fertile world. I took my clomid as prescribed. I've been keeping up with my metformin everyday. All I have to show for it is the worst hot-flashes yet and very poor sleep. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of claiming I'm "TTC" when really there is no chance of me getting pregnant. In 12 months I ovulated twice. And both times I had given up, so the timing of sex was such that pregnancy was almost flat out hopeless. When I don't try, I ovulate. When I try, I find out there was no reason to try. I'm frustrated and so very tired. My sister only needed 50mg of clomid when she got pregnant with Alex. I'm already on 150mg and getting the feeling that even that isn't enough. How long, oh Lord, how long? How much heartache and time and money will the simple act of bringing another human being into this world take? An everyday miracle that seems as easy as breathing to most people, but like walking on the moon for the infertile.
I'm so tired of hating my body. I've hated it for one reason or another for most of my life. I hate suffering through the excess hair, acne, and weight AND STILL NOT OVULATING. I would happily endure non-stop hot flashes, sleepless nights, breaking out like a teenager - ANYTHING - if I would just ovulate consistently.
That's how down trodden I am. I'm not asking or even *hoping* for pregnancy anymore. I'd just like to ovulate. I'd like to have roughly 12 cycles a year. I would like all the money, time, effort, and discomfort to pay off JUST A LITTLE BIT.
I'm going to keep trying this cycle. I'm going to throw everything I can at it because then I know for sure it will fail spectacularly. And then I can take a break. I can go back on BCP and spironolactone and work on regaining my lost self-esteem.
