Losing

Tonight, I feel like the PCOS is winning. I don't feel hopeful, I don't feel positive. And I definitely don't feel pretty or attractive. This is what sucks: that all the medicine I was on to control the symptoms will keep me from getting pregnant, but now that I am off them, I'm still not pregnant and I have symptoms to deal with. So I'll just, what? Continue to not get pregnant while slowly getting fatter, hairier, and pimplier? That's fair... Or not.

It makes me want to give up. Just say no, go back on all my regular meds, and give up any hope of children. I can't lose all my self-esteem over my looks just to end up with no children anyway. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some women just get to have sex and magically end up pregnant and others have to wade through drugs and doctor's visits, and side effects, and horrible symptoms, with no promise of a positive result? And why do I have to be on this side of it all. I want to have a daughter so badly, but since PCOS is hereditary, I should probably hope for a boy so that I don't curse another woman with this wretched "syndrome".

Tonight, I am losing all hope. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, but for now, the PCOS is winning hands down. And that is so depressing...

TTC?

When I saw my OB/GYN before I got married, she congratulated me on the good news and then got down to business: "Have you talked about kids?" me: "yes" "Do you both want kids?" me: "yes" "Well I'm going to tell you up front, don't come to me when you're 28 and tell me you want to get pregnant. I will not be pleased." me: "27 it is!". And so, before I was even married, the time for M and I to start gearing up for a family was predetermined. I'm thankful, though, that my doctor is very direct with me. When you have fertility problems, sugar coating things rarely helps.

This March I turn 27. I finished my last pack of BC pills on New Years Eve and prepared myself for whatever comes next. If I know my body (and I think I know my body), I'll be making a visit to my doctor in April to let her know things aren't going "well". In the mean time, I'm going to chart my basal body temperature (on the off chance that it shows I do ovulate [haha]) and go through the usual TTC motions just so that I get used to it. One really positive note though: prenatal vitamins do wonders for my immune system! Since I started taking them in November, I can tell I've successfully fought off 2 colds without getting more than the sniffles for a day or two. And I'm usually so susceptible to illness in the winter.