Hope was my enemy for so long while I struggled with infertility. Hope made me excited each new cycle, even at the end when I knew in my soul it wasn't working. Hope made me sob buckets, enough for a river, with each BFN. Hope was indestructible, no matter how hard I tried to squash it down in a tiny box, hidden at the back of mind to protect myself from the hurt it caused. There were days I wished for nothing more than to have no hope, so that I could give up and have some peace. Hope was the boogie man under my bed that terrorized me for 4 painful years.
Imagine my surprise when I experienced a new lightness of being by talking about our someday adopted child with M. I am becoming more comfortable speaking in definitives - instead of "if we ever turn the craft room into a nursery" I can say "when we probably turn the craft room into a nursery". And it doesn't hurt! I don't feel soul crushing agony when I consider how our daily routines will be altered by the presence of a child. Hope, it appears, can heal as much as hurt. And maybe, *hopefully* (get it?), I have turned a corner where hope and I can be friends instead of enemies; where I can feel safe thinking about the eventuality of our growing family without cursing myself in the same moment.
And I never knew how restorative and *wonderful* that could feel.
November 25, 2014
November 24, 2014
Losses Yet to be Mourned
I have worked hard to educate myself and M about the unique experiences we will have with adoption, the losses we are and will experience. I don't want to be blindsided by some unexplored grief when I should be busy encouraging attachment with my new little one. Here is a list of a few losses I've thought of that may cause us pain even in our joy of adoption:
A child who looks like M and I - Since we started trying to get pregnant almost 4 years ago, I have asked myself how I would feel raising a child that bore no resemblance to us. Did I want a child so I could see M's eyes and my hair? Was that my main motivation for having a baby? I have spent a lot of time over the past year doing soul searching and making sure I am comfortable with our child looking nothing like us, but I know in my heart of hearts that I can't truly mourn that loss until it is made manifest in whatever child we end up adopting. I hope, though, that I have prepared myself as much as possible.
Breastfeeding - I feel very conflicted about this topic. On one hand, I would be very sad to not be able to breastfeed my child because I do feel it is best for them and is an opportunity for so much comfort and attachment. On the other hand, it is possible to breastfeed your adopted child- but I don't know if I could go through the artificial stimulation and then the social reaction to me breastfeeding my trans-racially adopted child (if that ended up being our situation). Am I allowed to be sad about something that I did sort of have a choice over and chose not to pursue?
Naming rights - "Alice Clara Belle". I have never told a soul that name. That is the name that I chose for our now never-to-be biological daughter. I had that name picked out for about 2 years, back when I was so sure we could still have a baby. It is a first name of Germanic origin (both M and I have German heritage, among others) and a middle name from my maternal grandmother's first name. I never told my grandma that I had wanted to use her name - I was afraid to raise her hopes when we might not get pregnant. Now she has died and I can never tell her, though I guess it hardly matters since I won't ever have a biological daughter. I thought briefly about hanging onto this name for an adopted daughter, but it feels wrong somehow. This was a name specially chosen for a child that would share our heritage. With an adopted child, we will have so many new considerations: the wishes of the birth family, the heritage of the birth family, and just the way a name can "fit" a child. And I feel wrong about saddling a trans-racially adopted child with such a "white" name, if that makes any sense at all. Still, I'm sad over the loss of this choice. The loss of heritage. The loss of carrying on a family name. I mourn these things now and I will continue to grieve when a baby is placed in my arms.
A purely joyful beginning of life - I will write on this more in another post, but there is sadness and loss in the very first days of an adopted person's life. Loss of their biological connection. Loss of the only familiar person. Our child's homecoming will be bittersweet and there is nothing I can do but accept it and grieve with them. This is something no biological family need do, but is critical for an adopted family. The loss is real, even for a tiny infant. *I* am a stranger and "mother" is the woman they are not with. With time, that will change, but it is still something I will have to grieve right along side my baby.
Adoption is such an emotional journey - one that lasts for the lifetime of the adopted person. I am trying to learn and adjust, and to stretch my heart to make room for all the feelings, good and bad, which are to come. I pray that by doing this, I can see with clear eyes and do what is right by my child, and not just what I think is best for myself and M.
A child who looks like M and I - Since we started trying to get pregnant almost 4 years ago, I have asked myself how I would feel raising a child that bore no resemblance to us. Did I want a child so I could see M's eyes and my hair? Was that my main motivation for having a baby? I have spent a lot of time over the past year doing soul searching and making sure I am comfortable with our child looking nothing like us, but I know in my heart of hearts that I can't truly mourn that loss until it is made manifest in whatever child we end up adopting. I hope, though, that I have prepared myself as much as possible.
Breastfeeding - I feel very conflicted about this topic. On one hand, I would be very sad to not be able to breastfeed my child because I do feel it is best for them and is an opportunity for so much comfort and attachment. On the other hand, it is possible to breastfeed your adopted child- but I don't know if I could go through the artificial stimulation and then the social reaction to me breastfeeding my trans-racially adopted child (if that ended up being our situation). Am I allowed to be sad about something that I did sort of have a choice over and chose not to pursue?
Naming rights - "Alice Clara Belle". I have never told a soul that name. That is the name that I chose for our now never-to-be biological daughter. I had that name picked out for about 2 years, back when I was so sure we could still have a baby. It is a first name of Germanic origin (both M and I have German heritage, among others) and a middle name from my maternal grandmother's first name. I never told my grandma that I had wanted to use her name - I was afraid to raise her hopes when we might not get pregnant. Now she has died and I can never tell her, though I guess it hardly matters since I won't ever have a biological daughter. I thought briefly about hanging onto this name for an adopted daughter, but it feels wrong somehow. This was a name specially chosen for a child that would share our heritage. With an adopted child, we will have so many new considerations: the wishes of the birth family, the heritage of the birth family, and just the way a name can "fit" a child. And I feel wrong about saddling a trans-racially adopted child with such a "white" name, if that makes any sense at all. Still, I'm sad over the loss of this choice. The loss of heritage. The loss of carrying on a family name. I mourn these things now and I will continue to grieve when a baby is placed in my arms.
A purely joyful beginning of life - I will write on this more in another post, but there is sadness and loss in the very first days of an adopted person's life. Loss of their biological connection. Loss of the only familiar person. Our child's homecoming will be bittersweet and there is nothing I can do but accept it and grieve with them. This is something no biological family need do, but is critical for an adopted family. The loss is real, even for a tiny infant. *I* am a stranger and "mother" is the woman they are not with. With time, that will change, but it is still something I will have to grieve right along side my baby.
Adoption is such an emotional journey - one that lasts for the lifetime of the adopted person. I am trying to learn and adjust, and to stretch my heart to make room for all the feelings, good and bad, which are to come. I pray that by doing this, I can see with clear eyes and do what is right by my child, and not just what I think is best for myself and M.
November 20, 2014
Agency Visit 2
The more actions that M and I take towards really starting our adoption journey, the more real it begins to feel. Like it is slowly materializing into something solid and tangible after being a ghost of a dream for so long.
Yesterday was the trip to City C for our in-person, one-on-one interview with my favorite agency so far. It was a really good visit, however the distance from our home is a little concerning. Almost 1 hr 45 minutes one way :-\
Honestly, I'm a little surprised I didn't walk away from that meeting beaming with certainty that we had found "The One". They take a very hands-off approach to the birth parent/adoptive parent relationship. They don't even send a social worker to attend the very first meeting of expectant mom and prospective adoptive parents. Kind of a throw you into the deep end and you either sink or swim philosophy. Which, I understand their reasoning, but that doesn't mean I think it is the right philosophy for M and I. If this were our second adoption or something, I think I would feel a lot more comfortable being left to our own devices to forge a relationship with the birth parents.
Apart from that aspect, though, I really like everything else about the agency: the way their education and homestudy process works, the fee schedule, the size of the agency and their connections and reputation in the community. Clearly they are doing something right. But there was something about the presentation by the agency in City A that made me feel more comfortable and confident about their commitment to openness and encouraging continued contact with birth parents. ::shrug:: maybe its just a difference of where the birth moms are coming from.
Another thing which can be seen as a positive or a negative is that with City C agency, we need to have our application submitted by early the week after Thanksgiving because their next education series starts in early December. If we miss that one we have to wait until March, I believe. So, we could get started on this process rather quickly, which is nice. But, are we ready to make that decision and jump right in? Around the holidays?
To account for this potential accelerated schedule, we'll be calling the agency in City B tomorrow evening or Monday evening. At the moment, I think the agency in City A has pulled slightly in the lead, but it is very narrow. Their education series is a little more spread out though, and only in the evenings; whereas City C agency has 2 full day courses and then you are done. Scheduling for that is easier than lots of evenings. No pressure or anything, right? Just one of the most important decisions we will ever make.
Does anyone have thoughts on meeting an expectant mother for the first time with no social worker present? Because I think that is my only hang-up that is keeping City C agency in second place.
November 17, 2014
Funding Adoption
M and I are funding our adoption solely by ourselves. We haven't asked our parents or anyone else for assistance. That's not to say our family and friends won't help out in other ways eventually. We may not have a traditional, pre-birth baby shower, but I'm sure there will be gifts and hand-me-downs nonetheless. This isn't the case for everyone, though.
There's a girl I went to high school with and, even though we were acquaintances at best, we somehow have remained Face.book friends for years. Around the same time M and I started to seriously research adoption, this girl got married and immediately knew she and her husband would adopt (undisclosed health issues making fertility an impossibility). So I have followed her journey in a vague sense of solidarity. For some reason, they have decided that it is supremely important they adopt while incurring zero debt. In fact, they paid off all their debt except their mortgage before they started saving for adoption. Okay, more power to them, except that "zero debt" to them apparently translates to "Almost entirely fund-raised".
I haven't exactly been "active" in the adoption community for long, but I have already learned that fundraising to pay for adoption is an extremely divisive topic. I don't know that I have a hard opinion either way, but reading about my high school friend's adoption process definitely causes me to grimace. I'm not condemning her, I have a very "to each their own" feeling about a lot of infertility and adoption topics, but I can't help feeling that they are creating their own hardship and trying to thrust it onto friends and family to resolve. On their site, their donation goal is listed as $25,000 - that is essentially how much it costs to adopt domestically in our state, which is their stated preference. Wow, hoping to fund-raise the full cost of adoption? You might think that is just their pie-in-the-sky goal, but realistically they don't expect to raise more than a few K. I'm not so sure...she posts every month or two on Face.book soliciting donations. She has updated and blogged about how no one seems able to help financially and she feels like they'll never be ready to move on to the actual process. They've got a few thousand raised now and she thinks they "almost" have enough to apply to an agency and do the Homestudy. Not sure what agency she wants to go with, but at any I've looked into, she has more than enough to do those things.
Of course, I understand adoption is expensive - boy do I understand it. And I get that can be a barrier to some people. But I think the whole "adoption without debt" part is what's giving me pause with her situation. She is putting extra constraints on herself and saying, "Alright people of the world, come help me do this because I refuse to take out a loan". I just feel like it is a little unrealistic to know how expensive this process is, to know the limitations of your own finances, and then to say "we will do this debt free". It is basically the cost of a new car! Not many people purchase a new car without taking a loan.
I do wonder though, if I am speaking from a more privileged point of view. Would I feel differently if we were struggling financially? We are incredibly blessed that M's grandmother set up a trust fund for him to attend college, that I work for a university which provides tuition at 20% for dependents, that M got a good paying job out of college, that we live in an area of the country with low cost-of-living. Most of these things we had no hand in, we were just very blessed to have them happen to us in the way they did, so its not like we can say we were 100% the architects of our current financial standing. But even with all of that, we have been conscientiously saving for this and we will *still* take out a loan against M's 401K (honestly the best option for us because of low interest and we can use our adoption benefits from work to pay ourselves back). So, it isn't as though we never needed to consider fundraising. I thought about it briefly and knew it was not for us; I would rather suffer through the saving and the debt.
I think my opinion coalesces around the idea that *some* fund-raising is okay, but ultimately it is our (the prospective adoptive parents') responsibility to take on the burden of the cost for this experience because it is a choice. Like it or not, it is a choice. I feel very fluid about that though and maybe along the way to my own adoption, I will change my opinion. What do you all think?
There's a girl I went to high school with and, even though we were acquaintances at best, we somehow have remained Face.book friends for years. Around the same time M and I started to seriously research adoption, this girl got married and immediately knew she and her husband would adopt (undisclosed health issues making fertility an impossibility). So I have followed her journey in a vague sense of solidarity. For some reason, they have decided that it is supremely important they adopt while incurring zero debt. In fact, they paid off all their debt except their mortgage before they started saving for adoption. Okay, more power to them, except that "zero debt" to them apparently translates to "Almost entirely fund-raised".
I haven't exactly been "active" in the adoption community for long, but I have already learned that fundraising to pay for adoption is an extremely divisive topic. I don't know that I have a hard opinion either way, but reading about my high school friend's adoption process definitely causes me to grimace. I'm not condemning her, I have a very "to each their own" feeling about a lot of infertility and adoption topics, but I can't help feeling that they are creating their own hardship and trying to thrust it onto friends and family to resolve. On their site, their donation goal is listed as $25,000 - that is essentially how much it costs to adopt domestically in our state, which is their stated preference. Wow, hoping to fund-raise the full cost of adoption? You might think that is just their pie-in-the-sky goal, but realistically they don't expect to raise more than a few K. I'm not so sure...she posts every month or two on Face.book soliciting donations. She has updated and blogged about how no one seems able to help financially and she feels like they'll never be ready to move on to the actual process. They've got a few thousand raised now and she thinks they "almost" have enough to apply to an agency and do the Homestudy. Not sure what agency she wants to go with, but at any I've looked into, she has more than enough to do those things.
Of course, I understand adoption is expensive - boy do I understand it. And I get that can be a barrier to some people. But I think the whole "adoption without debt" part is what's giving me pause with her situation. She is putting extra constraints on herself and saying, "Alright people of the world, come help me do this because I refuse to take out a loan". I just feel like it is a little unrealistic to know how expensive this process is, to know the limitations of your own finances, and then to say "we will do this debt free". It is basically the cost of a new car! Not many people purchase a new car without taking a loan.
I do wonder though, if I am speaking from a more privileged point of view. Would I feel differently if we were struggling financially? We are incredibly blessed that M's grandmother set up a trust fund for him to attend college, that I work for a university which provides tuition at 20% for dependents, that M got a good paying job out of college, that we live in an area of the country with low cost-of-living. Most of these things we had no hand in, we were just very blessed to have them happen to us in the way they did, so its not like we can say we were 100% the architects of our current financial standing. But even with all of that, we have been conscientiously saving for this and we will *still* take out a loan against M's 401K (honestly the best option for us because of low interest and we can use our adoption benefits from work to pay ourselves back). So, it isn't as though we never needed to consider fundraising. I thought about it briefly and knew it was not for us; I would rather suffer through the saving and the debt.
I think my opinion coalesces around the idea that *some* fund-raising is okay, but ultimately it is our (the prospective adoptive parents') responsibility to take on the burden of the cost for this experience because it is a choice. Like it or not, it is a choice. I feel very fluid about that though and maybe along the way to my own adoption, I will change my opinion. What do you all think?
November 14, 2014
One Info Session down
Apart from the logistics being a total pain in the ass, the info meeting at the agency in City A was pretty good. We had to leave immediately when I got home from work (I ate microwaved leftovers in the car while M drove) and barely made it on time. Plus, we didn't get home until bedtime so we let the dog out for a few minutes and headed upstairs. And I felt super guilty for being a bad dog-mom - poor animal spent all day, then most of the evening, and all night in his pen. This is why I prefer to have control over the schedule.
About 45 minutes of it was kind of a waste of time for me because it was all stuff I already knew about the agency/the adoption process, but it was good for M, I think. And I was impressed there were only 2 questions along the lines of “But what if a birth parent comes back and tries to steal ma bahbah?!” And I loved the answer from the social worker because, in as nice a way possible, she said “Well, A.) they have no legal rights after surrender, but more importantly B.) they’re not monsters out to ruin your happiness, they’re human beings. 99.9% of birth parents will do no such thing.”
M and I agree they seem like a good place that is genuinely concerned with helping expectant mothers in whatever way they can, even if they don't end up following through with an adoption plan. And the social worker who presented was very honest about the realities of adoption. She said there are plenty of women who decide they can't relinquish the baby once it is born. And that's something you have to accept. You can be upset about it, but don't be mad at a woman for wanting to keep her child with her.
Next week we will visit the agency that is the farthest away. I feel much more relaxed about it because we are taking the day off, we get to meet one-on-one with someone, and we're meeting friends for an early dinner afterwards before heading home. Much less stressful on me from a planning perspective.
Another step I am taking in this adoption adventure is that I am going to talk to my supervisor briefly next week and fill her in on my family building plans. I still feel very...uncomfortable telling new people and talking to...most people about adoption. IF was just so hard and so painful and personal - I still very much feel the need to insulate and protect myself against the world and the thoughtless ways it can hurt me. I'm *trying* to be brave and have faith and not be a pessimist, but as anyone who has nothing but failed IF cycles behind them knows, it is incredibly hard. I want to let my supervisor know, though, because I know I will have emotional days, or increased days off, or get overwhelmed easily, and I need her to know I'm not a crazy person, I'm just a person who is putting their very damaged heart out into the world and praying *this* time it doesn't get crushed.
About 45 minutes of it was kind of a waste of time for me because it was all stuff I already knew about the agency/the adoption process, but it was good for M, I think. And I was impressed there were only 2 questions along the lines of “But what if a birth parent comes back and tries to steal ma bahbah?!” And I loved the answer from the social worker because, in as nice a way possible, she said “Well, A.) they have no legal rights after surrender, but more importantly B.) they’re not monsters out to ruin your happiness, they’re human beings. 99.9% of birth parents will do no such thing.”
M and I agree they seem like a good place that is genuinely concerned with helping expectant mothers in whatever way they can, even if they don't end up following through with an adoption plan. And the social worker who presented was very honest about the realities of adoption. She said there are plenty of women who decide they can't relinquish the baby once it is born. And that's something you have to accept. You can be upset about it, but don't be mad at a woman for wanting to keep her child with her.
Next week we will visit the agency that is the farthest away. I feel much more relaxed about it because we are taking the day off, we get to meet one-on-one with someone, and we're meeting friends for an early dinner afterwards before heading home. Much less stressful on me from a planning perspective.
Another step I am taking in this adoption adventure is that I am going to talk to my supervisor briefly next week and fill her in on my family building plans. I still feel very...uncomfortable telling new people and talking to...most people about adoption. IF was just so hard and so painful and personal - I still very much feel the need to insulate and protect myself against the world and the thoughtless ways it can hurt me. I'm *trying* to be brave and have faith and not be a pessimist, but as anyone who has nothing but failed IF cycles behind them knows, it is incredibly hard. I want to let my supervisor know, though, because I know I will have emotional days, or increased days off, or get overwhelmed easily, and I need her to know I'm not a crazy person, I'm just a person who is putting their very damaged heart out into the world and praying *this* time it doesn't get crushed.
November 12, 2014
Agency Visits
I enjoyed the traumatic experience of calling adoption agencies on my lunch break last Friday. All I wanted to do was schedule a sit-down with someone at 3 different agencies to go over some questions I need answered before we can choose an agency to work with. Nope, sorry, doesn't work like that. At City A's agency we *have* to attend a structured orientation session with a bunch of other couples in the evening. At City B's agency, they do everything over the phone because "isn't that so much more convenient than taking a half or whole day off to come down for an appointment?". City C's agency, fortunately, was all “of course we can do that! Would you like to leave a voicemail and she’ll call you back or you can schedule it all through email.” Really? I can have my private, face-to-face appointment? You aren't going to force me into a situation I don’t want to be in and certainly isn't the best way for us to ask/process information? That is so novel…
I have already had to grieve the loss of control over almost every facet of family building, just let me ask my damn questions the way I want to! In person, in private! This is *such* a big decision, possibly the biggest of our lives. I want to meet these people in person, get a feel for their personality etc., if we are going to be working with them and trusting them to help us over the next 2 years - I need to know if I can feel at ease with them. I want to meet them in private because this is so personal. My IF doctor didn't have me come to a group class to learn about IVF and I feel this should be treated the same way. I have very particular questions I want answered. I have already educated myself *A LOT* about adoption and these 3 agencies, I just need to check off a few very specific questions and I can make my decision. I don't want to sit through "Adoption for Dummies" for an hour on a week night after driving 45 minutes home from work and then 30 more minutes to the agency (in rush hour traffic no less :-P) . Plus, even though I know I am in a pretty good place of having dealt with my IF grief, I also know there are some things that can still bring me to tears - particularly in a high stress environment (another reason I wanted control over when the appointment was, so I could be as much at ease as possible). I prefer my privacy to deal with my emotions rather than being in a big group setting.
The group info session in City A is tonight. I'm not really looking forward to it simply because of the logistics to get there on time making me anxious. I would have much preferred scheduling something during the day and taking time off from work to eliminate outside stressors. I would love to be proven wrong about how unhelpful this will be. I would love to be blown away and so happy with their presentation - Mmmm, crow!
We have decided to interview 1 agency a week, so next week we will visit the agency in City C - the one that didn't act like I was crazy for wanting to sit down one on one with someone. Right now, they are my favorite agency based on their website and info packet. Unfortunately, they are also the farthest away. The other 2 agencies are between 30 and 45 minutes from our house. City C is at least an hour if not more :-/ But you know what, if they make us feel the most comfortable and their methods match our concerns, then I will happily burn those miles.
::deep breath:: Here we go...
I have already had to grieve the loss of control over almost every facet of family building, just let me ask my damn questions the way I want to! In person, in private! This is *such* a big decision, possibly the biggest of our lives. I want to meet these people in person, get a feel for their personality etc., if we are going to be working with them and trusting them to help us over the next 2 years - I need to know if I can feel at ease with them. I want to meet them in private because this is so personal. My IF doctor didn't have me come to a group class to learn about IVF and I feel this should be treated the same way. I have very particular questions I want answered. I have already educated myself *A LOT* about adoption and these 3 agencies, I just need to check off a few very specific questions and I can make my decision. I don't want to sit through "Adoption for Dummies" for an hour on a week night after driving 45 minutes home from work and then 30 more minutes to the agency (in rush hour traffic no less :-P) . Plus, even though I know I am in a pretty good place of having dealt with my IF grief, I also know there are some things that can still bring me to tears - particularly in a high stress environment (another reason I wanted control over when the appointment was, so I could be as much at ease as possible). I prefer my privacy to deal with my emotions rather than being in a big group setting.
The group info session in City A is tonight. I'm not really looking forward to it simply because of the logistics to get there on time making me anxious. I would have much preferred scheduling something during the day and taking time off from work to eliminate outside stressors. I would love to be proven wrong about how unhelpful this will be. I would love to be blown away and so happy with their presentation - Mmmm, crow!
We have decided to interview 1 agency a week, so next week we will visit the agency in City C - the one that didn't act like I was crazy for wanting to sit down one on one with someone. Right now, they are my favorite agency based on their website and info packet. Unfortunately, they are also the farthest away. The other 2 agencies are between 30 and 45 minutes from our house. City C is at least an hour if not more :-/ But you know what, if they make us feel the most comfortable and their methods match our concerns, then I will happily burn those miles.
::deep breath:: Here we go...
October 29, 2014
A Long Overdue Post, and Moving Forward
The summer was a very rough time for me. Several events happened in quick succession, each one dealing a body blow I wasn't prepared for. My emotional cup was overflowing everyday and I had nothing left over to give to the thought of adoption. I was honestly scared that I would never regain the emotional fortitude to move forward with an adoption.
Fortunately, from the very bottom of the barrel, I was able to make the good decision to find a therapist. I've been seeing her weekly since the end of August and it has helped SO. MUCH. I definitely feel less stressed, more in control, and more at ease with the world around me than I have since...probably since my mom's back injury which left her paralyzed. That is a long time to dance around pretending to be okay.
For the first time since June, I think, I am thinking about and reviewing adoption information. From all the research we did earlier in the year, I have chosen 3 adoption agencies to interview. Each one is in a different major city, each roughly within an hour of our house. I would like to have an agency chosen and the paperwork at least started by the end of the year. One of the first major steps with any adoption agency is a workshop or seminar and they are usually group sessions held 4 times a year. If we made a deposit with an agency by January, we could attend a spring info/education session. I fully expect the whole adoption process to take about 2 years and I'm okay with that.
The only thing that remains frustrating for me is I have no one in real life (internet doesn't count) that I really feel totally safe talking to about adoption. My concerns for birthmother education and support seem baffling to most people. Even my therapist said that Ohio has excellent adoption laws which secure the rights of the adoptive parents and isn't that a relief. Well, yes, but I pray I never have to fall back on the security of those laws! I would be horrified if a first mother placed with us and then realized she had made a horrible mistake and had been manipulated by the agency. A well informed woman, making an adoption plan free from coercion is the MOST important factor for me in adoption. If even my therapist can't understand this, then who can I turn to? I am very hopeful that once we choose an agency, we will be connected with other like-minded families. Until then, I will have to cling to people on the internet, like Lori Holden over at Lavender Luz. Her book is quickly becoming my adoption bible.
Hopefully I will be updating this space more often as we really, officially get the ball rolling on the adoption process. I will say as much as I can while maintaining the necessary confidentiality. I tend to write more about my feelings and less about process anyway.
Fortunately, from the very bottom of the barrel, I was able to make the good decision to find a therapist. I've been seeing her weekly since the end of August and it has helped SO. MUCH. I definitely feel less stressed, more in control, and more at ease with the world around me than I have since...probably since my mom's back injury which left her paralyzed. That is a long time to dance around pretending to be okay.
For the first time since June, I think, I am thinking about and reviewing adoption information. From all the research we did earlier in the year, I have chosen 3 adoption agencies to interview. Each one is in a different major city, each roughly within an hour of our house. I would like to have an agency chosen and the paperwork at least started by the end of the year. One of the first major steps with any adoption agency is a workshop or seminar and they are usually group sessions held 4 times a year. If we made a deposit with an agency by January, we could attend a spring info/education session. I fully expect the whole adoption process to take about 2 years and I'm okay with that.
The only thing that remains frustrating for me is I have no one in real life (internet doesn't count) that I really feel totally safe talking to about adoption. My concerns for birthmother education and support seem baffling to most people. Even my therapist said that Ohio has excellent adoption laws which secure the rights of the adoptive parents and isn't that a relief. Well, yes, but I pray I never have to fall back on the security of those laws! I would be horrified if a first mother placed with us and then realized she had made a horrible mistake and had been manipulated by the agency. A well informed woman, making an adoption plan free from coercion is the MOST important factor for me in adoption. If even my therapist can't understand this, then who can I turn to? I am very hopeful that once we choose an agency, we will be connected with other like-minded families. Until then, I will have to cling to people on the internet, like Lori Holden over at Lavender Luz. Her book is quickly becoming my adoption bible.
Hopefully I will be updating this space more often as we really, officially get the ball rolling on the adoption process. I will say as much as I can while maintaining the necessary confidentiality. I tend to write more about my feelings and less about process anyway.
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