Hard Questions

I've learned of two pregnancies today. One from a Fertile, one from an Infertile. I'm proud of myself for reacting coolly to both, but still so disappointed in myself and my situation. I think bitter thoughts, I compose Face Book status updates that I would never post, I quietly lick my wounds while simultaneously beating myself up.

My fertile friend was very nice about telling me of her pregnancy. Much better than with her first pregnancy. Oh yes, this is her second child. Her first born is 7 months old. She conceived again when he wasn't even 6 months old. Yep, she's breastfeeding too, which I always heard was a natural fertility suppressor, though not 100% *obviously*.

See, I feel so guilty for that whole paragraph. I'm not spewing vitriol or swearing up a storm - I am handling this on the outside in a rather zen fashion. But that paragraph only scratches the tip of the iceberg of rotten thoughts that run unbidden through my mind. When I first read her announcement, my knee jerk reaction was: "Jeez, *already*? Save some babies for the rest of us, huh?" And I immediately felt ashamed and stupid. She could have a litter of children and it wouldn't impact my chances of getting pregnant the tiniest bit. So why do I have these thoughts?

She's a fabulous mother, she was practically born prepared to handle children. Its not like she's the crack whore down the street having her fifth welfare baby. I think, belonging to this community, though, I don't just feel things for myself, I feel them on behalf of IFs everywhere. I feel protective of everyone I know (and those I don't know) who is battling this same war with me. Yes, my fertile friend is a wonderful mother and strongly feels the call to be a parent, but what about us? What about all the strong, intelligent, awesome women I know, who feel the call to be a mother in their *bones*, and can't seem to get their take-home baby? Why is my fertile friend allowed to realize her dreams while others aren't?

I believe that everyone in life has their own cross to bear. Just because you don't know what another person's burden is, doesn't mean its not there. Clearly we have all been given the cross of infertility, but I imagine you all have other burdens, much like I do, that seem to heap up on top of the already painful and emotional struggle with IF. So when my beautiful friend, with the wonderful husband who has a *fabulous* and very well paying job, conceives her second child in just over a year from the conception of the first child, I am left wondering what cross she's bearing. And then I judge myself harshly for thinking that, for wondering whether the baby will be healthy, will someone get sick, will her husband die - what cross is she or will she bear that will somehow make me feel like good and ill were meted out equally to us both???

And then I judge myself some more because it sounds like I *want* bad things to happen to her. Which I definitely do not, she is my friend after all. Life isn't fair, so maybe she will have a fabulous, easy life, while I deal with IF, money issues, and all the many and varied increased risks for serious health problems throughout my life that are just part and parcel with PCOS. And if that's the case, I have to learn how to deal with it. Because thinking mean thoughts and hating Fertiles isn't going to change anything (I don't *hate* Fertiles, but you see what I mean). And it doesn't make me feel better, it makes things worse because then I feel guilty.

Some people contract deadly forms of cancer and somehow remain serene about their lot. They don't bitterly remind people they are dying all the time, they allow others to simply be. And then, some people contract the same cancer and become bitter towards everyone and everything, and I don't blame them. But how does one become the serene person, accepting their fate and not the bitter person that everyone pities, but also avoids. And don't those cancer patients have it way worse than me, so what the hell am I complaining about? I think this is why Mel says no one wins when you play the Pain Olympics...

Am I too hard on myself? I'm just trying not to become some horrible, demoralized, bitter, rotten human being that nobody wants to be around. Its bad enough that I basically *am* that person one day every month, when I get my negative pregnancy test.

There's not much to distract me from my dissatisfaction right now. With no money, no job prospects for M, and a lack of hope for baby making, there's just lots and lots of time to think about how badly I want to move forward in life. Just a small breeze in the sails is all I'm asking for, a *tiny* bit of forward momentum so that I can get my energy and my purpose back. Because what am I working towards day after day if the budget keeps increasing and our income stays the same? And though the newspaper claims our state is in need of college educated workers, no one calls M for an interview? And with no children or money, why even hope for a house someday? Does my Fertile friend have the right dream and I have the wrong one?  

I feel adrift on the sea of life and when I look up for guidance, there's no clear answer.

Musings

I laid in bed last night, thinking about how detached I feel about this cycle. If I didn't keep my clomid on my bedside table, I doubt I'd remember to take it. I still haven't ordered my Ovidrel shot and I need it by Friday.

This weekend I co-hosted a bridal shower. It went very well and it was fun, but by the time I got everything cleaned up and back home I was *exhausted*. I seriously did very little else for the rest of the weekend. Sometimes, in my laziness, I think to myself "afternoons like this aren't possible once you have a baby. Or at least, that's what everyone makes you think."

I laid in bed last night and really thought about everything. Mentally, I'm ready for a baby, but it feels like everything else in my life is *not* ready. Financially and property-wise, we are not ready for a baby. And I am of the opinion that there is never a "good" time to have kids, there's always something else you could try to perfect: your career, your financial stability, your health, your home - you just have to take the plunge anyway because nothing in life is perfect or perfectly timed. But I can accept that its probably a good thing I haven't gotten pregnant yet because then M would feel even more pressure to find a job (and really, what more can he do??) and we would have a million things to worry about.

I think what bothers me is the passage of time and the fact that I always wanted to be a young-ish mother. My mom was 27 when I was born, and I am the baby of the family. I think I clung to that number without realizing it. 27 is a great age to be a mom. I have wonderful memories of my mom playing with me, teaching me things, and as I grew up, she never seemed *old* to me. My mom is 55 and people still comment on how she seems so young to be a grandmother. I like that no one mistook my parents for my *grandparents* at any of my graduations. So I guess I have this *thing* about young-ish parenting. I don't mean to say I judge women for becoming mothers in their 30's and 40's because I don't at all! I just had hoped I would have a parenting experience much like my mom has had with me.

This might not make sense to anyone but me, but I'm not really that upset that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm more scared about what that means for the future and what I had built in my mind as far as my parenting expectations. When I finally have a baby, will I have enough energy to chase after them day after day? Will I be young enough to fit in with other moms? Will my child's friends mistake me for an elderly relative because I'm not the "typical" mom age?

Do these sound like petty, superficial concerns? I probably shouldn't be considering them at all, I feel like I don't have the luxury to entertain these silly little concerns. Just worry about having a living baby and forget the rest. But its all the rest that I'm really hung up on. I don't know, I don't think I'm expressing myself well today, but I had to get these thoughts out. I talked to God and said "I understand that you only want what is best for me, and clearly that has not meant children up til now. Its just hard to let go of the way I had hoped my life would be. I don't really know what I hope for anymore."

Yes I do, a job for M.

All Quiet

I keep meaning to write, but then I don't. I don't know that my heart is in this cycle. I feel myself going through the motions, just barely. My CD3 ultrasound was so early in the morning that I wasn't even awake enough to ask the questions I needed to. I had to track down what pharmacy had my clomid scrip because I didn't realize there were refills on it (Dr. P never gave me refills). I still haven't called to order my ovidrel refill.

I've been so tired this week and poor M is having the worst luck lately. Today alone he's gotten 2 rejection letters, found out there are over 100 applicants for a job he *really* wants (the one at my university), got scheduled for a one-day class on the Saturday we were supposed to celebrate his birthday with a bonfire, and left his keys at home. And I can't spend the evening pampering and babying him as I'd like because I had already scheduled to to do two big errands with my sister that she can't do alone.

So, not really a good time in the house of Curly Sue right now... Things feel rather...desolate and kind of hopeless. Not in a melodramatic way, but more in a dull, colorless way. Maybe stagnation is taking its toll. We're working towards our goals, but they don't seem any closer despite our efforts and the passage of time. I still can't get pregnant, M still can't find a job, therefore we can't afford to move forward with anything else in our lives.

I really hope we can shake ourselves out of this funk soon. I don't *like* feeling down and gloomy and I especially don't like it when M is sad. He can make me laugh even on my darkest days, but I can't seem to repay the favor. When he's in a mood, nothing makes it better. Nothing I know of, anyway. And then I feel bad that I can't make him happy again. See how this is a self-perpetuating cycle of gloom we have going on??

I will try my damnedest to find something happy to post about, I swear!

Return to Go

But where's my $200? Lousy life not being anything like Monopoly!

Well, Easter has come and gone and with it my very brief, but intense, AF. I especially enjoyed sitting through sunrise service at church enduring *incredibly* painful cramps without pain meds because I hadn't eaten anything yet and 800mg of ibuprofen will bore a hole in my empty stomach. Thank God for drugs and alcohol (not at the same time, of course).

So we're back to square one and only have a $335 lighter bank account to show for our efforts. I'm really not as upset as I might sound. Just a little bitter I guess. It happens. Thursday was really my only *bad* day.

At least my sister's pregnancy continues on course. Three doctors now have referred to it as "textbook". This is very comforting to J. She has been graduated from the RE's office and released to her OB who will keep scanning her every two weeks if she wants (oh yes, she wants). This all provides me a great amount of comfort. God willing, there *will* be a new family member this year, even if my body can't get it together.

I need to call Dr. B's office and find out what to do. Do we just order more meds and wait for CD13 to do an ultrasound? I have no idea. I'm so busy this month, I hope it flies by and I'm in the 2ww again before I know it. Should I be at all concerned that AF was so short? I had spotting starting last Wednesday, but Sunday was really the only day of full flow. Today has tapered off considerably and I'm back to what I would call heavy spotting. I would say this is out of the norm for me, but "normal" is just what I experienced on BCPs, so I guess that's pretty useless info now...

Pity Party, Table for One?

At least I was prepared for it. Resisted my bladder complaining at me at 5 AM and stayed in bed until 6:45. Glass of wine at the ready, I tested. Oh, did I forget to tell you guys I started spotting yesterday? Yeah...so I decided to test today and get it over with since I already knew the outcome. Nothing starts your day right quite like a negative pregnancy test and a drink.

Thankfully I have this wonderful community which helps me keep perspective. I know of situations far worse than mine, more confusing, more frustrating, and more heartbreaking. So I can't be too upset I guess. Just have to nurse my wounds and avoid human contact for the day.

I'm afraid Dr. B will keep pushing ovarian drilling even though I ovulated. I was open to surgery as an option if I failed to respond to the trigger, but now that I know it works, why would I want to a.) go under the knife for the first time in my life and, b.) take *another* TTC break of 2-3 months?

I'm anticipating AF on either Sunday or Monday, so hopefully we can get things moving for the next cycle quickly. And here's what I get to panic about this time: I ovulated one time on 100mg of clomid, but the very next month, the same dosage did nothing. So just because 100mg clomid and a trigger shot worked *this* time, won't keep me from pessimistically believing that its not going to work next time. Life is just *ducky* in my head right now.

Better Luck Next Time

I will not kill anyone today. And I will not cry at my desk. Because I am in control. I am in control! My hormones are not in control. The PCOS is not in control. ::deep breath::

I don't feel a whole lot better. I assumed that I was in such a pissy mood yesterday afternoon because I was stressing about Dr. B's office not calling me. I assumed I was still pissy after they called because it was rather annoying that they waited until the very end of the day. Also because someone I work with is inadvertently driving me CRAZY with how high maintenance he is. But this morning, everything is aggravating me. I went to my weight lifting class, happy to expend all my angry energy on the different machines.

I didn't feel a whole lot better. I just felt like crying instead of wringing someone's neck. I know this is hormonal, I know this isn't really how I feel. But I'm so, so sad and angry because this is how I get before AF rears her ugly head. And my boobs aren't sore anymore. At all.

I lost, the PCOS won. I even saw my one dark chin hair trying to grow back yesterday. ::sarcastically:: Thank you testosterone! Not only do you make it impossible for me to get pregnant, but you're also trying to turn me into Danny DeVito! Gosh, you're talented!

I know that women with PCOS have good odds of eventually getting and staying pregnant. Most of the PCOS blogs on Mel's Blogroll have become parenting after infertility. That should make me happy. But for some reason, I just can't believe it will happen for me. I can see myself living childless. Not happy, exactly, but not really *unhappy* either. I've lived a fulfilling life without children up to this point, I guess. I could keep doing that with only occasional bouts of depression.

I'm not saying I'm giving up, I'm just....not in a good place in my head thanks to all these rotten hormones. I don't even want to test Friday. But if I don't, I can't drink until AF shows and how will I get through Easter dinner without alcohol? (since I'm not expecting the Witch until Monday). I was hoping that promising myself alcohol if this didn't work would soften the blow. But then, I also thought I could protect myself from getting my hopes up too much. I never assumed I *was* pregnant, but it was nice to not have any proof to the contrary.

Well, there went any positive thinking

I was holding off on posting today because I was expecting a phone call from Dr. B's office with the results from my 7DPO progesterone test. Well, its now 4:20, their office closes in 10 minutes and when I tried calling a few minutes ago I got the nurse line voicemail. I hate having blood drawn on a Friday. I always end up waiting an eternity for the results. The woman at the lab even offered to enter my order as "same day results" since I showed up so early. She seemed sympathetic about the fact it was Friday. I knew I still wouldn't hear from Dr. B's office that day because the docs leave early on Fridays. But I certainly expected to hear something today!

I'm honestly ready to cry over this. Am I really as fragile as that? I have no reason to think this hasn't happened, but I HAVE to know that number! My body has dicked me over one too many times for me to trust it entirely. I have no symptoms anymore except for nipple tenderness (which I don't even notice unless I get goosebumps). It didn't work, I just know it didn't work...

I hate this.

UPDATE: Oh for heaven's sake! They just called me. Nice of them to wait until the dead last second (and only after I left a voice mail). At least it was good news: progesterone was 19.5 whatever-increment-they-measure-in. Clearly consistent with ovulation. And now I'll just slink away since I am obviously a crazy woman.